This past weekend as I was going through another box of stuff from my garage, I came across my high school annuals. As I thumbed through them, they brought back a lot of memories, both good and bad. It was fun to see the pictures of old friends and how we have changed over the years and how we haven't really changed over the years. But this time, going through them brought some things to the surface that I need to process.
Struggling with my sexuality during my teenage years was incredibly hard for me. I was having to hide who I was because at that time it was still a very much taboo thing to be gay. And, the thing is, most everyone knew it deep down or at least suspected it. Still, in that process of not being myself, I did hurt other people because I was deflecting the situation in my mind. I did not know about some of these hurts until decades later when I was confronted with some of them and it really blew my mind. It really never occurred to me that this journey I was on not only affected me but other people. It makes sense looking back now, but at the time I was only focused on myself.
Looking back through these annuals, I now realize that there were others that got their feelings hurt because of my journey and I am truly sorry for that. I don't know if I will ever get the chance to express that in real time, face to face, but I am finally expressing it openly that I regret having done that. I'm not saying that I would go back and change it, because it was how I had to deal with it at the time. But I do feel badly about how that affected others when I look back on it. Ah, well. I really cannot do anything to change it but I can accept it, process it and move forward. That is all.
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