Money

Money seems to be the root of most problems these days.  Well, lack of money seems to be the root of most problems these days.  We are far from destitute, but spare cash still isn't something that we have excess of for sure.  In some ways we're doing better financially than we use to.  The rent we pay on our house is much more than what we paid for the apartment, but we're still managing to survive pretty well.  Maybe we're spending less on other things because that money isn't there like it use to be.  We love the house tho, and have no plans on leaving it any time soon!

I think I just need to come up with a better financial plan for myself.  I've never been good with money and I've got to learn how to be.  Sadly, I get my penchant for spending from my Mom and didn't get Dad's thriftiness!  Oh well.

Any ideas on how to go about this?  Suggestions would be most helpful. I have no intentions of getting a 2nd job, mind you.  We have precious little time of our own as it is.  I know I need to make a list of my debts, and Michael's plus our expenditures.  That will be a good start for sure.

A financial plan will also help me in not flaking out and making myself really follow through with things.  I tend to do that alot, not follow through.  We shall see.

a day off

Finally having a day off (at least i hope so) and i'm very glad of it.  I've had one other day off this month.  I don't count the day that i sat in the courthouse for jury duty.....that was not my choice LOL  So, i'm hoping today will be a blend of relaxation, laziness and productivity!

Furniture market went very well for me a for a change.  yes, it had its hectic moments but overall ran very smoothly. That hasn't quite happened yet in the 5+ years i've been doing my job.  I hope that is a growing trend :)  And honestly, it has motivated me to change up a few things at work and in life, so we'll see how it goes.

If i can stop putting things off til tomorrow, that will help.  I'm very bad about that and I know I do better when things have gotten done and everything is in order.  Or at least in more order than it previously was.  I'm bad about this both at home and at work.  That's gotta change.  We'll see how it goes.

Just a brief note here, but I need to make it a habit of writing more on here, no matter what the topic.  If i want to be good at things, I need to practice!  Happy Saturday!

hate being sick

i've been sick all week and it's driving me crazy.  i finally take time off of work to get things done before things get stupidly busy next month and I wake up Monday morning, sick and congested and I'm still congested today.  It's very frustrating.  i did manage to get a few things done around the house, but nothing near compared to what i wanted to do.  i guess it just wasn't meant to be.

And here i sit, alone on Easter.  Michael has to work today and i just feel like crap and don't want to get out and get anyone else sick, if i'm contagious.  i truly don't think i am, but still i don't have much energy. i did manage to make us lunch and change the sheets on the bed.  That was big fun. Oh well.

i'm just trying not to stress myself out over being sick.  Sometimes i've thought to myself this week, what if these sounds i'm hearing from my chest isn't congestion?  What if the damage i've done over the years is irreversable?  i just don't know.  it's hard not to think about it, but i really don't want to cause it scares the crap out of me.  But, i'll try not to think about it.  It just sucks that i'm here by myself today because i really don't wanna keep freaking myself out.  Oh well.  lol

structure

in an attempt to quit smoking, I've realized that my life is going to have to be alot more structured for awhile. I really can't afford to have and idle time on my hands.  When I do, I'm really going to want to have a smoke because that's what i've done in the past.  I think I can handle this, I just have to figure out exactly how I'm going to go about it.

I'm a list person and I think that is definitely going to help me with this.  I need to put myself on a schedule and fill up my time all day every day.  At least for awhile.  It's a catch 22 though.  If I get everything on the list done, I have a great sense of accomplishment.  If I don't get it done, I feel defeated.  Oh well. I'm just going to have to deal with it.  woohoo!

Short but sweet right now.  Any other suggestions will be most helpful.  Wish me luck!

social failures/successes

i posted something the other day on Facebook about how it was hard for me to be happy for friends' social successes because it makes me focus on my social failures.  i realize this confused alot of people as i was being fairly vague, which i'm very good at on Facebook  haha

When i talk about my social failures, i'm basically meaning that i rarely interact with anyone outside of work or the internet.  The internet has become a crutch for me as far as talking to people and such and it's definitely something i need to work on.  i get very anxious in social situations these days and i use to not be like that.  And the thing is, i really enjoy having people over and doing things, going out and such.  Or at least i use to.  It's just different for me these days as i'm very much out of practice with it.  i can get out there and hang with the best of them, but it takes alot of effort for me to keep it together when i do see people.

There are lots of reasons for this, which i don't really need to get into right now.  But i'm working on those reasons and things will improve.  It just takes time.  That's all.  More to come on this later :)

Good mail

Today, when i went through my stack of mail it was mostly bills.  And that was on the depressing side.  The bills themselves didn't depress me.  Those are just part of life and have to be dealt with.  It depressed me because that's really all that ever comes in the mail anymore.  Now wait, I did get my jury summons, so that's gonna be a fun filled day next month.  Whatever will I spend my $12 compensation check on?  Oh the dreams!

Anyway, it got me to thinking about how much fun it was getting a card or a letter in the mail when I was growing up.  It always made me feel so grown up to have something in the mailbox just for me.  These days, and I'm so guilty of this, we all rely on the internet to do this for us.  I'll get a birthday card from my families, but once upon a time birthday mail was a huge deal!  Possibly because there might be cash or a check inside, which is rich to a kid!  But, looking back on it, it was just nice that people remembered.

I use to love writing letters.  Even though my handwriting is almost completely unreadable and I end up printing everything (even then...not so good), I felt better once I'd sat down with pen and paper and communicated with someone.  During the summers between college years, my bfa class would write to each other.  And when I was in college, not a week went by that I didn't get a letter or care package from my mom and my grandmother.  And I still have every one of those letters.  Maybe it's being a packrat, but I prefer the term sentimental.

There's just something to the art of writing letters and putting packages together that's lost on most people today.  I miss that and need to get back into it.

Maybe one day I'll get something in the mail that doesn't have "payment due by" on it LOL  Even though I do pay 80% of my bills by check through snail mail, it isn't quite the same as putting something in the mail just for fun!

And, here's my many soapbox and that'll be it.  I feel like when I send a card or a letter or a bill off in the mail, I'm helping to keep people employed.  Someone has to deliver it, someone has to process the check, someone has to make the card and the envelope, etc.  I realize it's not eco friendly, but in this economy right now it's much easier to plant a new tree than to create a new job. :)

Their night

Growing up, my parents weren't the most touchy, feely sort of couple.  I don't mean that they were cold towards each other, by any means.  They just did not express themselves physically very often in front of us. Or at least in front of me.  They were tender when it counted and when it was needed.  I remember being five or six and going to the funeral of my cousin Margaret.  She and my mom were very close and mom took her death very hard.  As she stood  at the grave after the service, my dad held her close as she cried.  Someone took a photograph of that moment, from behind them.  Now that picture is imprinted on my mind and it's one of the first images I see whenever I think about my parents together.  Their intimate moments like that bound them together and, in a sense, bound us all together.

As Mom's illness progressed rapidly towards the end of her life, their physical interactions became more frequent.  Not necessarily in a romantic way, but much more powerfully.  It was in a way that came straight from their hearts and their devotion to each other.  Dad would have to help Mom in getting dressed and undressed.   Especially with her shoes as she could no longer comfortably bend down to get them on.  I don't think Mom would've let just anyone do that for her, but this was her soul mate.

Dad even had to help bathe Mom from time to time as sometimes it was too difficult for her to do alone.  I remember that one time Dad told me that he joked with Mom, telling her that he'd wanted to help bathe her when they first got married, but she wouldn't let him.  That always makes me smile.

That night, they sat in the den watching the video of Bill and Heidi's wedding.  This was something that they had done almost every night since they'd received the video.  Mom was very proud of that wedding.  One, it was a beautiful wedding.  And two, she was determined to be there and to be an active part in it, which she was.  That wedding, honestly, I believe prolonged her life.  After the video was over, she told Dad that she needed to use the bathroom.  He lifted her up and helped her onto the toilet.  She sat there for a long time, he told me.  Once she let him know that she was finished, he cleaned her up, got her dressed again and set her back down in her recliner.  If nothing else, that right there is what true love between two people is.  Mom  expressed her relief and told Dad that she really must have had to use the bathroom badly.  Upon returning to flush and clean the toilet, he realized that Mom had not actually done anything, she'd only thought she had.
Coming back to her, Mom asked Dad if he would scratch her back.  He leaned her forward a little in her recliner and scratched her back, which she always loved.  I don't know how long he did this, but I imagine it made both of them happy to be touching and connecting in some way.  When he was done, she sat back in the chair and thanked him.  And by the time it took Dad to walk only a few feet to his own recliner, not even 30 seconds, that was it.  She was gone.

She was ready to go.  And my Dad's love for her never wavered.  He made have had to let her go physically, but not from his soul.

The depth of my parents love for each other has always amazed me and set an extraordinary example for me.  It is one of those things that I didn't realize how strong it was at the time, but looking back on it I see it in so many memories.