You're a nice guy but...it's time to find myself again

 

I learned late in life that there is a fine line between making compromises and losing one's sense of self.  Unfortunately, I lost my sense of self a lot more than I made compromises.  I have always been a pleaser, a person who likes to make others happy and comfortable.  And there is NOTHING wrong with that.  I come by it naturally.  For any of you who knew Mom or Grandmother can attest to that fact.  And it is a good feeling to make other people happy when it makes me happy.  To me, there's almost no better feeling in the world.

The problem for me I stopped thinking of myself in order to think of others first.  That is simply not healthy.  It definitely can mess with a person's mind.  I know it did mine.  I cannot blame anyone for that other than myself.  No one forced me to push my desires and wants to the back burner.  I did that all by myself.  But I thought I was doing it out of love.  To a degree, I was. But the cost ended up not being worth the price.  After years of never expressing what I wanted or needed, my sense of self-worth and confidence went down the tubes. 

That was where I was emotionally when I became single again in my late 40's.  And it's not necessarily a bad place to be when one is starting over.  I have spent the last few years rediscovering the things that make me happy.  Rediscovering the things that I enjoy.  And yes, that still includes doing for other people, but I no longer do it at the price of my own happiness.  It now enhances my life instead of controlling my life.  I discovered things that I had forgotten that I enjoyed doing.  And that's a great thing.

I have talked before on here and with friends that I am learning to enjoy my own company again.  If I do not like spending time with myself, I cannot expect others to enjoy time together.  And I can tell it has made a difference.  I am able to carry on conversations now whereas before I did not think I was interesting enough to. I can sit and watch a movie of my choosing now because I don't have to give in to someone else.  I can go out and do things that I never suggested previously because I was all about someone else. 

It's a very entertaining journey of self-discovery.  Or self-rediscovery depending on how you look at it.  While I will never get back the time I spent ignoring my own needs and wants, I feel better about Bob than I have in a long time.  At least emotionally.  The physical side still needs a lot of work!  But more about that later.

Quote of the Week

 

A great thought to start the day with!

Today's Moment of Mindfulness

 

When you choose to watch a film or listen to some music, notice how powerful the experience can be, when you bring your complete focus and attention to it. 

The library, a history museum, restaurants and antiques shopping.

 Since I last talked about getting out of the house and doing things, either by myself or with others, I have actually made some progress on that point.  And I've tried some new recipes at home as well, which is always fun. I finally made it to the Greensboro Public Library and got my library card.  I can check that one off of my list, now.  And I actually checked out several books.  I have not finished them yet but I will.  I think I was too excited to be there and just should have checked out one book but oh well.  Since they don't charge late fees, I'm not that worried about it LOL  I also went to the Greensboro History Museum that day as well.  That was absolutely fascinating and I cannot wait to go back.  For a museum like that to be free is pretty awesome.  If you have never been, I highly recommend it.  And since LeBauer Park is right down there as well, I spent an hour exploring that.  Some really beautiful gardens there and it's a nice place to walk around.

I have frequented several locally owned restaurants over the past month as well.  I met my friend Shelby out for lunch one day at Fishbones, one of my favorites. Luckily, it's right around the corner from the house.  We hadn't had lunch together since the fall, so it was very good to catch up.  I went to Saffron, an Indian restaurant, and had the lunch buffet one day when I was off.  I actually ran into a friend and former classmate in the next booth!  I have also been treating myself to breakfast out several times a month.  If you're in Greensboro and looking for a good, well-priced breakfast, I suggest Breakfast, Brunk and Dinner and Miam's.  Both were fantastic.

I treated myself to a showing of Hadestown at the movie theater.  I knew nothing of the show except what I'd seen on the Tony Awards years ago.  It totally blew me away.  And it was fun to go to a movie theater.  I had not been in one since the pandemic. And my life would not be complete without visiting antiques shops.  I made several visits to Antiques Market Place here in town.  I left empty handed each time but that is alright.  I have to really love something to bring it home with me now.  And I went to Freedom House Thrift.  They often have some great collectibles but this time I left there with some new clothes and stationery.  I'd call that a win.

That's what I've been up to really.  I can't wait to see what the next few weeks holds in store for me!

You're a nice guy but...dating

 I never really dated in high school.  I did go out a few times with different girls and had a very nice time but obviously it never went anywhere.  I did not date because I knew, but had not dealt with, that I was gay.  I just did not want to put myself through the emotional roller coaster of more pretending to be something that I was not or to lead anyone on.  I'm afraid I did lead some people on but that was not my intention, and I am very sorry that it happened.

After I finally came out in college, I wanted to try dating.  Alas, I found myself in the straightest theatre department in the state and other gay men were few and far between.  LOL And I did not have much of an outlet at the time to meet others like me. I am pretty sure there were groups on campus but back in the days before the internet (remember those?), learning about these groups could be quite difficult.  So, in my college years I did not date much either.

Actually, now that I think about it, I am just not good at dating period. I don't want to say that I blame my parents for that, but I blame my parents for that LOL. My parents had a very loving relationship that had its ups and downs like all relationships do.  But they set the standard for me.  You fell in love with someone and you worked hard at making that relationship work.  They were in it for the long haul and that's what I was looking for.  And, because of that, dating never worked out for me.  I would either scare someone because I was too much too fast or I would become obsessed with someone and make it my sole purpose to prove that I was good enough to build a relationship with.  Sorry about that, DH.  I know now that those feelings I had were more to do with not liking myself than with liking someone else.  

Because of the inner turmoil I was experiencing, I never just went out on dates for the fun of it.  And, for me, dating and hooking up are two very different things!  I have dated several times since I've been single, and it is really difficult for me not to get too far ahead of myself.  Because of that, three dates is my magic number.  After three dates I either get completely ghosted or I get the "You're a nice guy but..." speech which I mentioned in an earlier post.  

I believe that I have missed out on an important part of life by not simply dating.  And, sadly, it does not interest me anymore.  At least not where I am right now.  The ideals of planning fun evenings out and having that kind of social existence have gone by the wayside.  I mourned that loss for a long time, especially when I thought I had it all and discovered I had nothing.  If you're out in the dating scene, I wish you well and hope all the best for you.  The best for me is where I am right now and I am amazingly optimistic about my future.  I just wanted to express how I felt about my dating life....or lack thereof LOL

The budget's going well

 

For the past six weeks, I have been giving myself a biweekly budget.  Several days before I get paid, I gather up all of the financial obligations that I will have come out of that paycheck:  bills, groceries, gas, etc. and I create my budget around that. It helps me not only to see where my money will be going but also is helpful to look back at previous budgets and see where I am spending my money.  Overall, it's been working pretty well.

Each budget period, I have managed to stay within my budget.  I do take into account surprise expenses that either I have forgotten about or that just come up unexpectedly.  Only then can I take money out of my savings as I am trying to accrue my savings into something not quite so sad.  When that has happened and it's only been once so far, the next budget will include a "savings" line item and I will return that money to where I borrowed it from.  It works for me.

My biggest issue is dividing up my money within the budget.  Having a few budgets under my belt will help me with that.  Some weeks I give myself $150 for gas and I only spend $50.  Or I will give myself $75 for entertainment and I spend $120.  Overspending in one of my line items does not really bother me as long as I am staying under the grand total and so far that has been the case. For my next budget, which I will work on this coming week, I will look back at the previous ones and get a better sense of how to disburse my money this time. I think that will work.  

Either way, it's going well so far and I am proud of myself for finally sticking to some kind of financial goal!  I'm not saving for retirement because, let's face it, I will never be in a position to retire but it's nice to really focus in building something for when I need it. 

Recipe of the Week - Thai Shrimp Pasta

 I am always looking for new ways to make shrimp as it's one of my favorite foods.  I found this recipe in one of my Taste of Home cookbooks and decided to give it a try.  Mainly, I had all of the ingredients except for cilantro on hand at the time, so it was very budget friendly for me.  I had not cooked a Thai style dish before this and so that was another challenge for me.  I know it's not authentically Thai, but it was easy and I enjoyed it.  Definitely will make this one again.

Thai Shrimp Pasta

8 ounces thin flat rice noodles.  

1 Tbsp curry powder

1 lb uncooked shrimp

1 can light coconut milk

1/2 tsp salt

1/4 tsp pepper

1/2 cup minced fresh cilantro

Soak noodles according to package directions.  In a large skillet, toast curry powder until it's fragrant, 1-2 minutes.  Stir in shrimp, coconut milk, salt and pepper.  Bring to a boil.  Reduce heat and simmer 5-6 minutes or until the shrimp turn pink.  Drain noodles.  Add noodles and cilantro to the pan and heat through. Serve immediately.

Enjoy!