I never really dated in high school. I did go out a few times with different girls and had a very nice time but obviously it never went anywhere. I did not date because I knew, but had not dealt with, that I was gay. I just did not want to put myself through the emotional roller coaster of more pretending to be something that I was not or to lead anyone on. I'm afraid I did lead some people on but that was not my intention, and I am very sorry that it happened.
After I finally came out in college, I wanted to try dating. Alas, I found myself in the straightest theatre department in the state and other gay men were few and far between. LOL And I did not have much of an outlet at the time to meet others like me. I am pretty sure there were groups on campus but back in the days before the internet (remember those?), learning about these groups could be quite difficult. So, in my college years I did not date much either.
Actually, now that I think about it, I am just not good at dating period. I don't want to say that I blame my parents for that, but I blame my parents for that LOL. My parents had a very loving relationship that had its ups and downs like all relationships do. But they set the standard for me. You fell in love with someone and you worked hard at making that relationship work. They were in it for the long haul and that's what I was looking for. And, because of that, dating never worked out for me. I would either scare someone because I was too much too fast or I would become obsessed with someone and make it my sole purpose to prove that I was good enough to build a relationship with. Sorry about that, DH. I know now that those feelings I had were more to do with not liking myself than with liking someone else.
Because of the inner turmoil I was experiencing, I never just went out on dates for the fun of it. And, for me, dating and hooking up are two very different things! I have dated several times since I've been single, and it is really difficult for me not to get too far ahead of myself. Because of that, three dates is my magic number. After three dates I either get completely ghosted or I get the "You're a nice guy but..." speech which I mentioned in an earlier post.
I believe that I have missed out on an important part of life by not simply dating. And, sadly, it does not interest me anymore. At least not where I am right now. The ideals of planning fun evenings out and having that kind of social existence have gone by the wayside. I mourned that loss for a long time, especially when I thought I had it all and discovered I had nothing. If you're out in the dating scene, I wish you well and hope all the best for you. The best for me is where I am right now and I am amazingly optimistic about my future. I just wanted to express how I felt about my dating life....or lack thereof LOL
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