Christmas thought of the day - Santa Claus

i don't ever remember anyone telling me that Santa Claus did not exist.  i suppose if they did tell me, i must not have believed them because there was no traumatic memory from childhood when i was told the "truth" about Santa Claus.  i do remember, specifically, though when one of my childhood friends in the neighborhood told another friend that Santa didn't exist.  She got so upset that my friend was forced, by her parents, to recant her story.

Honestly, i never stopped believing in him as a child and i still believe today.  Yes, i know how the presents get under the tree on Christmas morning.  i know where my parents hid most of Santa's gifts...in a trunk that i know use as a coffee table lol.  But there is just something about the magic of Santa Claus that makes me want to keep believing in him and so i do.

i distinctly remember one Christmas when i was 4 and being so excited for Santa Claus to come down the chimney.  When we were little, Grandmother would stay the night with us on Christmas Eve.  When i look back on it, it was probably to help keep my brother and i in bed while Santa's gifts were pulled out of the trunk.  Anyway, she would sleep in my bed when she stayed over.  i remember her holding me tight and telling me stories while i tried desperately to fall asleep.  Being that excited at 4 years old did not go hand in hand with sleep.  And at one point, i know i heard Santa's sleighbells overhead.  i got so excited that sleep was not an option then.  She did allow me to get out of bed and look out the window to see if i could see Santa.  i looked and looked but never did see him but i knew he was there.  Still, it was fun to try and find him and wonder whether or not he was on our roof and that's why i couldn't see him!

That's a memory that i cherish and carry with me all through the year.  Believing in Santa Claus is not just about presents.  It is about hope.  It is about peace.  It is about giving.  It is about sharing.  It is about knowing that there is good in the world and there are people who exist who want nothing more than to make others lives better.  It is those beliefs that i cling to and that is why i still believe in Santa Claus.

Merry Christmas

My Before and After for College Park Baptist

This fall at College Park, the series of sermons were based on short stories by Jesus.  We, the congregation, were invited to write our own "before and after" stories about our faith.  I have been attending church there since this summer and I decided to write my own story.  And, I had the privilege to share my story with the congregation during worship service a few weeks ago.  Here is my story:


I am a creature of habit.  Every morning after I wake up, I make my coffee, check my

email, check my Facebook and do a crossword puzzle.  The art of the routine is never lost on me

and I take comfort in it.  And I can say without doubt that my being a creature of habit began at

church. 

 I grew up in Monroe, NC and attended the First Baptist Church of Monroe.  I was at

church, barring illness or tragedy, every Sunday for the first 18 years of my life.  My Mom had

been a member of First Baptist her entire life and my Grandmother had been attending since

1933.  Going there was tradition.  More importantly, though, I knew the tradition of

Grandmother’s pew.  If I was not singing in the choir or playing handbells, I was sitting on the

5^th pew on the right side of the congregation.  That was my Grandmother’s pew and we sat there

every Sunday.  I don’t know why she had chosen that particular pew but I never questioned it. 

And neither did anyone else.  If she found anyone seated in her spot on the pew, she never made

a fuss or asked them to move.  She just sat further down the pew in a polite, albeit sometimes

begrudgingly manner, with a smile on her face, that unreadable southern belle smile that either

says “You’re welcome here” or “I just let all the air out of your tires.”   We all know that smile. 

Usually, it was a newcomer to the church that did not know that was Mrs. Laney’s pew.  But

word would get around and they never sat there a second time, unless invited by Grandmother

herself.

After I left for college, my attendance at church began to dwindle.  Being away from

home for the first time in my life, I was out to have the college experience and church just did

not seem to fit into that.  Of course, I would attend when I went back home for the occasional

weekend visit. I even came here to College Park a few times my freshman year.   It didn’t stick

though.  I had a lot on my mind during those years but church and God were not high on my list

of priorities.  Then, during the February of my junior year, I got the phone call.  The late night

phone call that everyone fears because you know it’s either a wrong number or bad news.  You

hope for the former but most always it is the latter.  Only my case was worse.  I was out having

the college experience and I missed that phone call.  It was around 1:30 am when I returned to

my dorm room and my roommate told me to call home no matter what time I got in.  I stopped in

my tracks because I knew what had happened.  I called home to have my Dad tell me that Mom

passed away a few hours earlier.  I was beyond devastated.  The woman who had given me life

no longer had hers.

I can honestly say that was the hardest week of my life.  Neither before nor since have I

wept so much.  And I became angry at God because I felt that He had abandoned her.  She spent

her entire life devoted to the church and when she needed Him the most, He let her down.  I felt

that He had abandoned me as well.  I did not feel as though I could turn to Him to seek comfort

and guidance during that time.  Even with all of the family and friends around, I was extremely

lonely.  The one that I had counted on did not come through and I did not know where to turn. 

My anger eventually subsided and became more of a kind of indifference.  My attendance at

church became sparser and after Grandmother died, I stopped going altogether.  I started to view

the church as a facility for weddings and funerals and not much more than a country club for

Jesus.  I prayed only when I needed something from God.  The years went on and the distance

between me and God, in my mind, grew wider with each year.  I didn’t realize at the time that I

was on my own journey, unknowingly being guided by His hands.

Sunday, July 5^th, 2015, would have been my Grandmother’s 106^th birthday.  I decided that

this year I wanted and needed to do something to honor her and for some reason I thought about

our pew at First Baptist.  After all of my ups and downs in life, I still took great comfort in the

memories of sitting with her in her pew.  So, I decided that, just this once, I would go to church

on her birthday.  I’ve had many friends who have attended College Park throughout the years and

after having my coffee and doing a crossword puzzle, I checked CP’s Facebook page and

decided that was where I was going.  My Grandmother would be thrilled I picked another Baptist

church!

That entire first Sunday here was mind blowing to me.  Everyone was so welcoming. 

Everything about the service touched me in some way.  I wasn’t use to that kind of church

experience.  It was all so genuine.  The music.  The children’s sermon.  The prayers.  I found

myself actually listening and paying attention to the sermon, something I didn’t do much

growing up.  And the longer I sat there, I started to feel a change.  It was as if a weight was being

lifted off of my shoulders.  I was relaxed yet so energized inside.  I was hopeful

again.  I felt something in my soul I had never felt before.  There was a light inside that hadn’t

been there before.  I felt like the Grinch Who Stole Christmas.  And it wasn’t a fluke.  I came

back the next Sunday and the next and each time was the same, only better.  I finally realized that

God had sent me on a journey.  He knew what I needed to do and gave me the tools to bring me

here today.

 A few weeks back, as we sang “Great Is Thy Faithfulness” I used every fiber of my being

not to break down in tears because that was the first time I had sung that hymn since my Mom’s

funeral almost 20 years ago.  As I listened to the music, I looked around at the congregation and I

knew God had led me home.  And, even though I’m new here, in the tradition of my

Grandmother, I have my pew here at College Park:  the 3^rd row of the back right section of the

congregation.   It’s the first pew I sat in here and I’ve been there ever since.  Phyllis sits in front

of me.  Titus, Leanne and Lewis sit behind me.  I’m happy to share the pew with anyone, but

that’s where you’ll find me on Sunday mornings because I am, after all, a creature of habit.

thought for the day - being selfish

Today, i am being selfish.  Big surprise, right?  It has been a long week of ups and downs and today i just need a "me" day.  i need one day this week where i don't have to be anywhere at any certain time.  i do not know exactly what this day will hold in store for me, but in the long run do we ever really know what life has in store daily?  So, we shall see what happens.

As for plans today, i have things i need and want to get done.  We were suppose to have people over tonight to celebrate my birthday which was last Saturday.  But, Michael is sick and we both felt it best not to risk getting anyone sick.  And, honestly, that does ease things up a bit as far as getting the house ready for the holidays.  So, one of the things i intend on doing today is betting more of our holiday decorations out and up.  That always makes me feel better.  And, i will do some cleaning because that is needed to.  And i also need to get in touch with some people.  Time goes by so quickly these days that sometimes weeks will go by and i don't realize it, so some communication is in order today.

Either way, i am going to make myself relax and see what comes of it.

Cheers

thought of the day

Ah, December...you're finally here yet it still seems too soon!  Ah, well.  As the semester draws to an end shortly, i cannot help but feel that my academic life, which bleeds over into every day life, is like a Chinese menu.  Too many possibilities right now.  i have no idea what is going to happen with my schooling over the next month but whatever it is, i will keep moving forward.  Good times!

A.  Get accepted into the BSW program and everything goes smoothly with financial aid
B.  Get accepted into the BSW program and financial aid falls through
C.  Get accepted and sell my car to pay for school
D.  Get accepted and become a part time student and find a 2nd job
E.  Get accepted and have to take a semester off so I can find jobs 2 and 3 to pay for school in the fall
F.  Get accepted and someone writes to Ellen Degeneres about me lol
G.  Get accepted and win the lottery
H.  I don't get accepted and go back and rethink my strategy while working multiple jobs
I.  I don't get accepted but keep my student ID to use for discounts at places lol
J.  I don't get accepted and life goes on

Whatever happens, i think i'm prepared for it!

Cheers

Thought for the day

Today, i am struggling with my path.  Not the direction of my path, but the shape of my path.  i am loving being back in school, for the most part.....that whole homework thing is a bit overrated though LOL  But, now that i am experiencing road blocks as far as my financial aid goes, i am not quite sure what to do next.

If, and that's a big if, i get accepted into the BSW program, i am going to have some serious thinking to do.  i really want this, but financially i have to wonder how feasible it is.  College is expensive and when you live below the poverty line, that's a huge task.

So, i have been contemplating just finishing my BFA because i think that i have a lot less hours required to get that degree.  My problem is, is it better to get a degree that i will never use just for the sake of having a degree?  As much as i love theater, a BFA in acting will not do much for me other than prove i have the piece of paper in my hand.  i could go on to graduate school in something more productive then, but i just don't know.

Either way, i got some thinking to do.  More coffee is required.

Cheers

thought for the day

Once again, the month is almost half over and i have not written much.  i had every intention to, but i got preoccupied with school and work, both of which keep me busy.  Oh well.  The next 2 weeks are going to be extremely busy and jam packed, so here's to hoping that i survive.

i have hit some definite roadblocks with school, administratively.  And the thing that really sucks is that i need to focus on my classwork right now and am going to have to put them off until class is over.  Once exam time comes, i will be a regular sight at both the financial aid office and the registrar's office.

What it boils down to is, because of my first feeble attempt at college, i now have too many hours and no degree.  Because of the amount of hours, i may lose my financial aid eligibility.  And also because of the number of hours, i am target for a tuition surcharge....a ridiculous one at that, at least in my opinion.  It will soon cost me 1.5 the amount of money to attend school as the regular student would.  grrrrrrrrrr

So, i must come up with a game plan, both academically and financially.  i really am not sure what all this is going to entail, how it's going to work or whether it is going to work.  But, there you have it.  Who knows, i may literally end up selling the car in order to pay for at least one semester.  Good times.

Ah, well.  Time to get ready for work.  Hope you all have a wonderful day!

Cheers!

Thought for the day - October

Ah, November is here already and October came and went very quickly.  On one hand i am relieved that it is gone already, but on the other hand i feel like i need to rewind and do it all over again.  October was a tough, tough month for me...too much going on, too much happening and not enough time to get it done, per usual.

At the beginning of the month, i had all of that IRS crap to deal with.  i think i have it all settled in that i have worked out a payment plan with them.  But still, it's just another way for what little money i have to go back out the window before i even get it.  Ah, well.  Then, after doing research for one of my social work assignments, i discovered that, according to the US Government that i live in poverty.  i do not know why this shocked me as much as it did, but i was really taken aback by it.  i know that life changes often and i must roll with the punches, but i was not prepared to see that in black and white.  It really does make me feel like a failure at 40 years old but there isn't a whole lot i can do about it at the moment.  Being in school and working 30 hours a week are enough for me to handle right now and a 2nd job would probably do me in. It just sucks because i get so tired of not being able to do things i want to because i do not have the luxury of extra money.  It was hard to have to tell my family that i cannot participate in Thanksgiving this year simply because i cannot afford to be off of work for more than 2 days, if even that.  i have to admit that they all took it a lot better than i did!  And this past week, i get an email from financial aid saying that i am approaching my hours quota to qualify for financial aid.  That really sucks.  Because i fucked up my first time around in college, i am being punished for it now.  i have a lot of paperwork to do to see if i can rectify the situation, so hopefully i can.  If not, i will have to figure out another way to do this.  It's just one thing after another.  i know i will get through it all and survive, but geeeeezz can i have a break?  Ah, well.

That's my rant for the day.  Time to move on to better things.

Cheers