Sometimes, anxiety just happens

Last night, for the first time in a long time, I had a major anxiety attack.  If you've ever had one before, you know how crippling it can be.  If you haven't had one...feel blessed.  For me, this one was both physical and mental.  I felt like everything was closing in on me, emotionally.  And I started panicking and lashing out.  My pulse started racing and I had a hard time catching my breath.  This had not happened in a long time.  And, honestly, there was not anything that brought this on specifically.

Yesterday, I started to get very frightened.  Even though the pandemic is ongoing, things are beginning to open back up.  I have social anxiety and don't always handle it well when I am placed outside the confines of my routine.  And it's a catch 22 because I want to get out and do things and meet people and yet, in some ways, it scares me to death.  In that way, the pandemic was a welcome relief because I didn't have to deal with that.  I had no choice.  Now that I'm beginning to have a choice, it is causing me anxiety.  I have spent so much time on things like FB that I hide behind it.  I was going to take some time off of those places but I realized later on that's not the solution.  I'm not sure what the solution exactly is yet, but it's not that.  I don't need to isolate myself any more than normal.  And I do have a few ideas on opening myself up more.  

I started to feel like the world was closing in on me....literally.  My body got very tense and it was difficult to breathe.  I almost got myself a paper bag to breathe into cause that does work when needed.  This time, though, I let it out through tears.  I just gushed for awhile because that's what I needed to do.  I learned a long time ago that I hold back my emotions way too much and I need to let them out more or they can put me in a dangerous place.  Honestly, it felt good.  Amazing, actually.  And once I was done and rehydrated myself, I was able to start putting things into perspective.

I do feel much better today.  And I will feel even better tomorrow.  It is time to face my demons and begin working on the person I want to be.  Anxiety will always be a part of life, I have to accept that.  But I know ways that I can lessen those feelings.  I have to make some changes....doctor's orders...and I know that it can happen.  Sometimes just having a good cry can really help.

Quote of the day

 

Sometimes in the craziness of the day to day living in this world, it is easy to forget what makes me happy.  Truly happy.  I need to make the time to revisit those things.  That is all. 

Recipe of the Day - Creamy Tuscan Shrimp

 I wanted to try something different with shrimp, so I went searching on the internet for something new and came across this recipe.  Pretty much anytime a recipe has the word "creamy" in its title, I'm going to at least read it!  It sounded good so I figured I would give it a try.  We really enjoyed it and I will definitely make this one again!

Creamy Tuscan Shrimp

2 Tbsp olive oil

2 Tbsp butter

1 pound shrimp, deveined and tails removed

salt (to taste)

Pepper (to taste)

3-4 cloves garlic, minced

1 cup halved cherry tomatoes

3-4 cups baby spinach

3/4 cup heavy cream

1/4 grated parmesan

2 Tbsp basil

Heat oil and butter in a large skillet over medium-high heat.  Once the butter has melted, add the shrimp and salt and pepper, saute for one minute.  Remove shrimp from pan and set aside.  Add garlic, tomatoes, and spinach to the pan.  Saute for one minute or until garlic is fragrant and spinach is to your desired degree of doneness (I like mine on the wilted side).  Stir in heavy cream, parmesan cheese and basil.  Reduce heat to medium and simmer until sauce is slightly reduced, about 2-3 minutes. Return shrimp to pan and stir to combine.

Would be great served over rice or pasta.  We used cauliflower rice and it was delicious!

*instead of fresh basil, I used dried so only 1 Tbsp was needed.

Remembering those walks

 The other day, I was sitting out on Lois' porch for our porch time which we try to do several times a week.  It was a beautiful spring day and very relaxing.  At some point, a woman and her two grandchildren came walking down the street.  They were holding hands and having a good time.  We all waved to each other and Squirt, of course, had to bark.  They were people, after all, and he just could not resist the urge to make his presence known.  They disappeared down the street and came back around the corner a little while later.  It looked like they had been to the grocery store around the corner.  They were not holding hands now because the kids hands were occupied with candy and drinks.  But they were all still smiles and having a grand time.  Again, we all waved and Squirt barked.  It was a nice exchange.

It brought back some wonderful memories from 40 plus years ago.  Walking around the neighborhood with Grandmother.  On warm spring nights, she would sometimes like to just get outside and go for a walk.  We would hold hands for both comfort and safety.  Because we lived on a dead end street, our route was shaped like the letter "p".  And there were always people out either walking as well or out in their yards.  And Grandmother always knew people we would come across in our walks.  Usually it was a church member or a bridge club member.  If Jim Reich, our minister of music, was out in his yard we would always stop for a chat.  I remember he always wore a white hat when he was outside.  Little did I know at the time he was bald as a cue ball.....he always wore a toupee at church!

Sometimes our duo would grow as we walked.  Being that there were lots of kids on our street, sometimes Amy or Alissa or Blair would join us, always with their parents' permission.  Grandmother loved those girls and they were always welcomed with open arms.  Sometimes we'd spend the walk singing the entire time.  Those were my favorites.  I don't really remember those songs from childhood, but I do remember that singing together was a favorite activity for me and Grandmother then.  It was always a fun time for sharing and being together.  

Some days we would take the long way around the block, which just meant that the "p" was about half a mile longer.  Or we would veer off of our course and go down to Virginia Smith's house to see her amazing gardens....there were paths and even a bridge there, fun adventures for kids!  But when the sun began to set on these beautiful spring days, it was time to head back home.  Still singing, still holding hands but homeward bound.  And the comfort of home was always waiting for us at the end of these walks.  I hope that the trio that Lois and I saw walking were having as grand a time as I used to have.  And I hope that they created memories to last them a lifetime from this simple pleasure life has given them.  Oh, what I wouldn't give for one more walk around the block with Grandmother.

That is all.

Finding places for stuff

 One of the things I am going to work on this year is to find a place in my house for as many things as I can.  All the while trying not to make the house look too overcrowded.  This is not an impossible task but it is also not a quick one.  It's going to take some time and there will be choices to make.  Sometimes they will be hard choices, but they must be made. Yes, I have a lot of stuff and yes, I love my stuff.  I just like it when everything has a place it needs to belong and I know where it is.  

This is another way to hopefully downsize some.  Now this is not to say that I'm going to give everything I don't find a place for away. I will give some of it away in one way or another, but not everything.  I just need to have things more organized so that they are easier to find when I want or need them.  For example, my collections of stuff.  I have some fun collections of things that can be displayed such as Tom Clark gnomes and music boxes.  What I would like to do is get them all at least stored together so that I can rotate them out and enjoy the different collections from time to time.  That way they will not only have a specific place in the house to go but a specific place out in the garage so that I know exactly where to find them.  

I am very bad about making piles around the house.  Everywhere I look there is a pile and it's time to clean them up.  There are piles to donate, piles to sell, piles to put out in the garage, etc.  This is one of my downfalls.  I make the piles with the best of intentions and then take months to follow through with that.  Time to speed up that process.  These piles all have specific destinations and it's time they go there.  Another downfall is the imfamous "well, one day I might.....".  We all do this.  That one day almost never comes LOL  It's a great excuse, though, but I really need to think hard when I say that to myself.  It's a comfort technique because it can be scary to let go of things even though I know that I feel better afterwards.  A fine line to walk there.

Well, I have a basic idea of what I'm wanting to do.  It is now a matter of making myself do it and making the time to do it.  And it can be done!  I look forward to the challenge.  And I will try not to get too much more stuff for myself in the process.  Good luck with that one!

Prayers for the Easter weekend

 Just a few prayers I found to enhance this beautiful Easter weekend

Maundy Thursday

Good Friday

Easter Sunday

The Continuing Adventures of Just a Waiter - no more spit guy

 One of my duties at work is soon coming to an end.  Actually, it's already over haha!  It ended this week.  And I will miss that part of my job, oddly enough.  It was not necessarily a pleasant job and honestly, no one else wanted to do it, so I stepped up and said I would and I'm glad that I did.  What was this part of my job, you may ask?  It was being the pooled testing coordinator.  That is actually the name I gave myself because it really sounds more official that the Heritage Greens spit guy.  LOL

So, back in the summer during the pandemic, we began pooled testing our residents and our associates.  What that process consisted of was each individual would spit into a vial.  Just enough to cover the bottom, which was about the size of a dime, so not really too much.  But it was harder than you might think.  Spitting under pressure is not always easy.  And for people who are on medications that dry their mouths out, it can be particularly difficult.  Still, we managed to get everyone to do it.  

Anyway, once the tests are done, the vials, which do have lids on them, are placed into a refrigerator until it's time to ship.  For our purposes, they were divided into groups.  Usually separated by floors and buildings.  So, my job was to tally all of the tests, keeping them within their groups.  I would place each group into its own ziploc bag and place them on ice in a cooler.  The cooler would then be labeled and taped secure and sent to the lab.  There the lab would combine the contents of all of the vials of a specific group together and test it in one big sample.  If that sample came back positive, we would individually test each person who contributed to that sample. If it was negative, then life went on as normally as possible.  

We were doing 2 rounds of testing each week, so twice a week this was part of my job.  Now, since I don't have an office of my own and many of our non office spaces had been repurposed at this point, I had to do this behind the partition wall at the front desk.  I would sit on the floor surrounded by all of the things I needed.  The refrigerator on my right, my cooler and paperwork on my left.  Using multiple pairs of gloves for safety, I would line up the vials in front of me and count.  And when my back began to hurt, I would change positions.  Eventually, all would be accounted for and ready for shipment.  Fun fun!  LOL I didn't mind at all though.  

The beautiful thing about doing these tests was how much we were able to open up within our community during a time when no one was allowed in and only medical appointments allowed people out.  In person activities began to start up again as well as in person dining, all of them carefully socially distanced.  But even then, the impact it had not only on the residents but on all of us was amazing.  And for me, that far outweighed the fact that I was counting spit.  The benefits were amazing.  Residents who were mentally failing because of their isolation were bouncing back incredibly.  People were doing things again and feeling better about the things we have been doing to keep them safe. 

I am so proud to have contributed to that part of our pandemic protocol.  It gave me a sense of purpose when I needed one.  The beginnings of the pandemic were confusing and frustrating for all of us at work and being able to help out and change things made a difference to me.  And I know that made a difference to other people.  This week, I found out that we will be discontinuing with the pooled testing.  The company is going to be doing a different kind of testing that will involve someone else coming in and dealing with all of it.  And as much as I will miss my weekly routine of counting spit, I am glad that someone else can take over the testing.  No doubt that I will find another project to fill that void!  Still, I'm happy that I got to help.  Our motto at Kisco is "Making a Difference Every Day." and I know in my heart that I have done that.

That is all