the hardest days of my life - part three

i packed my things and prepared to leave for home.  i got everything into my car and sat there in the parking deck in the driver's seat.  i must have sat there for an hour, not able to turn the ignition.  Not because the car didn't work but because i just couldn't.  Turning the key in the ignition meant that this was all real, that i was going home to Mom's funeral.  i was not ready for that.

Finally, i got out of the car and walked to Tate Street to a pay phone.  Why i didn't walk back to my dorm room which was much closer i have no clue.  But, i called Jennifer and asked her if her offer to drive me home was still good and that i would take her up on it.  She, of course, said yes and we met back at my dorm after i had gotten my things out of the car.  We packed them into her car and headed on our way.

Driving down Spring Garden Street, we pass Jill, who was noticeably limping.  We pulled over to the side of the road and got out of the car.  "I just got hit by a car"  Jill said.  We both looked at her with a rather stunned expression.  Apparently, she was crossing the street and some woman ran into her.  She didn't even stop her car but rolled down the window to ask if Jill was ok.  i think that Jill was so stunned she didn't really know what to say and told the woman she was fine.

We detoured back to Jill's apartment and got her leg wrapped up.  And, of course, she agreed to join us on our journey to Monroe.  We climbed back into the car and started on our way.  We stopped to get gas and snacks for the trip.  i remember there was a credit card issue and so we ended up only getting gas...no snacks.  But, it's not like it was a long road trip so that was ok.

i don't remember many specifics about the road trip, only that it was full of love and laughter.  Courtney Wright had made me a mixed tape several months earlier.  i had that tape with me and so we popped it into Jen's tape player.  This was the first track:

We just howled!!!  Now if anyone says "Why Hawaii and Norway aren't near each other" to me, i will just bust out laughing.  It was a wonderful trip and such good memories.

We got home late afternoon.  It had never occurred to me that i should have called ahead and told Dad of my plans and when i'd be home.  i was just in a cloud.  But, i went into the house first.  i told Jen and Jill that i needed a moment.  i went inside and saw Dad.  We hugged for a while and i tried my best to hold it together.  Jen and Jill came in with my luggage and said their hellos.  i made sure that they knew their way back to Greensboro from the house and they were on their way.  i don't know if they will ever know how much i loved them for taking me home.  It was definitely a bright spot on a devastating day.

Not long after they left, my Uncle Bill arrived at the house with Grandmother.  That was hard, plain and simple.  She was a stoic, and in some ways i find that very admirable.  i will never know the pain of losing a child, but i think she handled with the utmost grace.  i know that it broke her heart when Mom died, but she was a trooper.

the hardest days of my life - part two

"This song is sung from a mother to her child.  Not only is it a beautiful song, but Bob chose it because it's very special to him.  It's from the last show he saw with his mother before she passed"  Melanie Ashley

i woke up the next morning and, for a few moments, i thought that everything that i had experienced over the last 8 hours had been a dream.  Then reality hit.  And the first thing i thought of that day was that i needed to tell Be Boyd.  Be was my teacher and friend and she had helped me through many things in the 3 years i had known her.  She, herself, had lost her mother the year before.  But i needed to be the one to tell her.  i didn't want her to hear it from someone else.

i got dressed and walked to the Elliot University Center on my way to Be's office.  I remember that i bought a Coke and a 100 grand bar.  I knew that i needed something in my stomach.  i walked over to the Curry building.  i knew Be would be in her office by 9 because she was doing an independent study with Sarah McKinney and Kelly Keaton.  As i passed the windows to her office, i remember telling myself to just keep it together for another few minutes.  At least until i got inside the building.

i went straight to her office and knocked on her door.  When she opened her door, i said "Be, i need to talk to you."  i fully expected her to ask me to wait until she finished her time with Sarah and Kelly.  But, apparently, i did not look good at all.  Go figure.  She said, "yes, of course" and asked the ladies to give us a moment.  Be had barely closed the door when i tried my best to get out "My mom died".  i totally fell apart, crying uncontrollably.  Be started crying and asked me to wait as she stepped outside.  She told the ladies what had happened and they came into the office to console me for a moment.  i just sat in Be's office for an hour crying.  The noise i was making was so loud that Lorraine came out of her office next door to see what was going on.  She also gave me a big hug.  Eventually, i had to leave because Be had a class to teach and i needed to get things done before i left for home.

i left Be's office and went to the theater.  i sat in the courtyard and smoked.  A few people came and went, but no one knew what was going on by then so i was able to keep myself together.  Then came Jim Wren and his drama appreciation TA's, one of whom was Jill Womack.  Jill had assisted directed the play i had just done so we had gotten to be, and still are, dear friends.  i was sitting on a bench and she took one look at me and said "Are you ok?"  i just shook my head no.  She asked "Is it your mom?"  i shook my head yes.  "What happened?"  i barely got out the words "she died" before i was a waterfall again.  Jill kindly took me in her arms and held me for the good portion of an hour.  And anyone who came by she explained to them my circumstances.  She had class at 11 and had to leave me.  She had not walked into the theater more than 2 minutes before Jennifer Avery came running out of the theater.  She almost knocked me over.  She grabbed onto me and was also crying.  She apologized that she couldn't stay with me but, like Jill, she had to be in class.  She offered to take me home but i told her i was ok.  At that time, i thought i was.  She headed back into the building and i headed back to my room to pack.  Little  did i know that driving wasn't really an option for me then.  

Recipe of the week - chicken casserole

One of my favorite "go to" recipes.  Grandmother made this a lot and I still love it.  It tastes great, it's easy and it brings back such wonderful memories!  Enjoy!

2 cups cook diced chicken
1 cup slightly cooked celery
2 cups cooked rice
1 can cream of mushroom soup
3 Tblsp chopped onion
3/4 cup mayonnaise
1 can sliced water chestnuts, drained
1/2 cup sliced almonds (optional)
2 cups crushed cornflakes
1/2 stick margarine, melted

Mix first 8 ingredients;  put in medium-sized casserole.  Mix cornflakes with melted butter;  sprinkle over top of casserole.  Bate 45 minutes at 350 degrees.  (Pepperidge Farm Herb Seasoned Dressing Mix can be substituted for crushed cereal)

I have used the dressing mix before and it's great!

Thought for the day - procrastination

Believe it or not, i am making an effort not to be the procrastinator that i usually am.  It's an evolving process, but i will get there in time.  I know that this is important for me because when i get bogged down with lots of homework, i begin to second guess myself which then makes me depressed and i find it hard to focus....gotta love that snowball effect.

So, i will spend most of the next two days either working or doing homework.  That is fine.  But from here on out, i really must do a better job of this.  One of the reasons it will be beneficial for me is that i tend to miss out on many social things because of my procrastination.  Sometimes, missing social occasions is inevitable.  There are times when i truly have too much to do and not enough time to do it.  But, for those other occasions, i need to make time for them by doing my assignments in a timely manner.

As many of you have recognized, i miss a lot of things because i am trying to be focused.  Birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, dinners, parties, friends in town....they are all subject to my absence because of my procrastination capabilities.  And while i recognize that focusing on my school work IS important, after all i am going into debt to get a degree and have a career, if i do not learn to balance things better, i will burn out quickly.  Self care is a huge proponent of what we must do as social workers and that can be difficult for me.  If you knew my mother and grandmother, you will understand that our personal well being is often at the bottom of the list....an inherited trait!

Well, that is all for now because i have homework to do.  Enjoy your Sunday!

Cheers!

Thought for the day - after Christmas

It always makes me sad when, the first day after Christmas, i see the streets littered with discarded trees.  People go to all of the effort to decorate their homes and once the presents are over, that's it.  No need for that holiday feeling anymore.  Personally, i am keeping my tree up for a few days more.  At least through Epiphany if not through the following weekend.  These days, the holidays are so hectic....trying to be everywhere and do everything, which NEVER happens, especially if you work any kind of retail or hospitality.  So, why is there such a rush to get life back to before?  That i do not have an answer to.  Oh well.

It took a while for us to get our tree decorated this year, so i have every intention of enjoying it before all of the needles fall off.  That goes for the other decorations as well.  They all bring such cherished memories and feelings of warmth and happiness, why end that starting the 26th?  Simple...i'm not ending it.

Even today, i started carrying on a tradition my parents started.  We had my Great Grandmother's dough board and it use to hang in our kitchen.  Now, it hangs in mine.  As we did not have much need for using the dough board for its original purpose, Mom and Dad started using it to display cards and pictures.  Christmas cards, birthday cards, etc.  And when Dad and June married, they continued that tradition while they were still in Monroe.  So, today, ten days after Christmas, i finally got my holiday cards displayed on the board.  Took some time, yes, but i will enjoy looking up at it and thinking of the people who remembered me and Michael this season.

So, i imagine that tonight after i get everything done, i will walk through the kitchen and look at the cards on display.  Then, i will go into the living room, turn on the tree, put a few records on the player and snuggle up with Squirt on the sofa and enjoy Christmas past, present and future.  As it should be!

Cheers!

Thought for the day - 2016

As i enter into the new year, like everyone else i have things i want to accomplish.  i do not necessarily want to call them resolutions because i think that just sets a person up for failure.  i have enough pressure on myself already lol  But, i know that there are things i want to achieve and if i put my mind to it, i am pretty sure that all things are possible.

Of course, i have the typical goals of quitting smoking, eating better and exercising.  These are all just things that i need to do because i need to treat my body better than i do.  All of these will help.  Granted, this past year i did get more exercise because of walking every day to class, i know that i can do more.  It is just a matter of putting all of these things into action.

Speaking of food, i definitely want to cook more and try new things in the kitchen.  So far, i'm doing well with this one.  i have tried three new recipes so far this year.  Luckily, each one turned out well and are keepers in my recipe file.  i love reading cookbooks and have already read 2 since Christmas.  So finding new things to try will not be hard.  And that also helps my budget with grocery shopping.  When i have been going to the grocery store, i now take a very specific list and do not stray from that list, buying only what i need.  That can be tough, especially if i go to the store hungry lol

We, both me and Michael, also want to make our house as simple a space as possible.  i plan on spending time going through things and getting rid of things.  i realize that i make this goal every year, but it really is time.  We have too much stuff and it really can be a burden.  As much as i love my stuff, i do not need all of it, so it is time to let go of things.  There are many venues out there where i can get rid of things....Goodwill, Ebay, Craigslist, Facebook....so be on the lookout for my stuff :)

Also, both of us want to be more social this year.  We were talking on NYE and decided that we both could use more human interaction.  When we first moved into our house, having company over was a regular occurrence.  Now, it's a total rarity.  i know it has been at least since August 2014 since we've had people over and that needs to change.  Movie nights, game nights, dinners, just having conversations....that's what we want this year.

So, these are just a few things that i want to get done this year.  i know that there are more things on my list and i will add them later, but this is a good place for me to start!  Happy 2016!

Christmas thought of the day - Santa Claus

i don't ever remember anyone telling me that Santa Claus did not exist.  i suppose if they did tell me, i must not have believed them because there was no traumatic memory from childhood when i was told the "truth" about Santa Claus.  i do remember, specifically, though when one of my childhood friends in the neighborhood told another friend that Santa didn't exist.  She got so upset that my friend was forced, by her parents, to recant her story.

Honestly, i never stopped believing in him as a child and i still believe today.  Yes, i know how the presents get under the tree on Christmas morning.  i know where my parents hid most of Santa's gifts...in a trunk that i know use as a coffee table lol.  But there is just something about the magic of Santa Claus that makes me want to keep believing in him and so i do.

i distinctly remember one Christmas when i was 4 and being so excited for Santa Claus to come down the chimney.  When we were little, Grandmother would stay the night with us on Christmas Eve.  When i look back on it, it was probably to help keep my brother and i in bed while Santa's gifts were pulled out of the trunk.  Anyway, she would sleep in my bed when she stayed over.  i remember her holding me tight and telling me stories while i tried desperately to fall asleep.  Being that excited at 4 years old did not go hand in hand with sleep.  And at one point, i know i heard Santa's sleighbells overhead.  i got so excited that sleep was not an option then.  She did allow me to get out of bed and look out the window to see if i could see Santa.  i looked and looked but never did see him but i knew he was there.  Still, it was fun to try and find him and wonder whether or not he was on our roof and that's why i couldn't see him!

That's a memory that i cherish and carry with me all through the year.  Believing in Santa Claus is not just about presents.  It is about hope.  It is about peace.  It is about giving.  It is about sharing.  It is about knowing that there is good in the world and there are people who exist who want nothing more than to make others lives better.  It is those beliefs that i cling to and that is why i still believe in Santa Claus.

Merry Christmas