You're a nice guy but...it's time to find myself again

 

I learned late in life that there is a fine line between making compromises and losing one's sense of self.  Unfortunately, I lost my sense of self a lot more than I made compromises.  I have always been a pleaser, a person who likes to make others happy and comfortable.  And there is NOTHING wrong with that.  I come by it naturally.  For any of you who knew Mom or Grandmother can attest to that fact.  And it is a good feeling to make other people happy when it makes me happy.  To me, there's almost no better feeling in the world.

The problem for me I stopped thinking of myself in order to think of others first.  That is simply not healthy.  It definitely can mess with a person's mind.  I know it did mine.  I cannot blame anyone for that other than myself.  No one forced me to push my desires and wants to the back burner.  I did that all by myself.  But I thought I was doing it out of love.  To a degree, I was. But the cost ended up not being worth the price.  After years of never expressing what I wanted or needed, my sense of self-worth and confidence went down the tubes. 

That was where I was emotionally when I became single again in my late 40's.  And it's not necessarily a bad place to be when one is starting over.  I have spent the last few years rediscovering the things that make me happy.  Rediscovering the things that I enjoy.  And yes, that still includes doing for other people, but I no longer do it at the price of my own happiness.  It now enhances my life instead of controlling my life.  I discovered things that I had forgotten that I enjoyed doing.  And that's a great thing.

I have talked before on here and with friends that I am learning to enjoy my own company again.  If I do not like spending time with myself, I cannot expect others to enjoy time together.  And I can tell it has made a difference.  I am able to carry on conversations now whereas before I did not think I was interesting enough to. I can sit and watch a movie of my choosing now because I don't have to give in to someone else.  I can go out and do things that I never suggested previously because I was all about someone else. 

It's a very entertaining journey of self-discovery.  Or self-rediscovery depending on how you look at it.  While I will never get back the time I spent ignoring my own needs and wants, I feel better about Bob than I have in a long time.  At least emotionally.  The physical side still needs a lot of work!  But more about that later.