I talk about change alot. So far, though, that's all it is....talk. It's been a hard week for me at work. Lots of ups and downs that filtered into my mental state at home. Thursday especially was bad and I wish I could pinpoint a reason as to why. I just simply woke up depressed. And all those commercials you see about depression are correct, it does physically exhaust you. But, I eventually did snap out of it and resurface, which is good.
However, I know that it really is time to stop talking and start doing. I have/had this list of goals for 2011 that really hasn't been touched. I must go back to it and reexamine it and update what is realistic and what is not. I do know that the first thing will be the hardest. I have to learn to live without my vices. It's going to be tough, probably the hardest fight of my life. I am going to do it.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Starbursts, bridge and Dad
I bought a bag of Starbursts last month. I was in Target and they simply called to me. There was a big mountain of bags of Starbursts. I hadn't had one in years, but I thought what the hell.
Growing up, Starbursts were big treats. We didn't get a whole lot of candy growing up. Candy in those days was a reward or a special treat and not something to be expected on a daily basis. The thing I remember most about Starbursts is my Mom's bridge club.
When I was still pretty young, Mom belonged to a bridge club. Actually she belonged to several of them, some along with Dad. But there was one she was in that was all women. I cannot remember if they met once a week or once every two weeks, but that's beside the point. There were at least two tables of players, maybe three. Again, can't exactly remember lol. Always one table in the living room and one or two in the den. Dad would have to bring chairs home from the office for her to use. They were these great bright orange plastic chairs, which were actually pretty comfortable. I always got to help carry them in, but at my age then I'd get one maybe two into the house and Dad and Bill would've gotten the rest!
Anyway, on those bridge nights, the hostess would always provide snacks for the ladies to eat during the game and dessert once the games were finished. This was the part I love. Mom had the great wooden salad bowls so popular in the 70's. Each table would get two bowls of snacks and candies. Nuts, mints, those mini Hershey bar varieties and, of course, Starbursts.
Those would be the nights that Dad would keep me and Bill. We'd get to camp out in their bedroom. Dad would play games with us and read to us. We had one of those small black and white tv's back there with the antennas that Dad would adjust and adjust to get one of the four local stations to come in. And Mom would fix all of us our own bowl of snacks. Starbursts were my favorites and there always seemed to be some of each color in my bowl. Yum!
It's just a cherished memory for me. I look back now and getting to spend that time with my Dad was an amazing thing. Lots of kids, then and now, don't get that kind of attention from either parent, much less both like Bill and I did. Now that I'm older and have to be an adult and work and all that other crap adults have to do, I'm very glad when my schedule frees up and I get to spend time with my Dad. I love him very much. Him and Starbursts. Especially the yellow ones!
Growing up, Starbursts were big treats. We didn't get a whole lot of candy growing up. Candy in those days was a reward or a special treat and not something to be expected on a daily basis. The thing I remember most about Starbursts is my Mom's bridge club.
When I was still pretty young, Mom belonged to a bridge club. Actually she belonged to several of them, some along with Dad. But there was one she was in that was all women. I cannot remember if they met once a week or once every two weeks, but that's beside the point. There were at least two tables of players, maybe three. Again, can't exactly remember lol. Always one table in the living room and one or two in the den. Dad would have to bring chairs home from the office for her to use. They were these great bright orange plastic chairs, which were actually pretty comfortable. I always got to help carry them in, but at my age then I'd get one maybe two into the house and Dad and Bill would've gotten the rest!
Anyway, on those bridge nights, the hostess would always provide snacks for the ladies to eat during the game and dessert once the games were finished. This was the part I love. Mom had the great wooden salad bowls so popular in the 70's. Each table would get two bowls of snacks and candies. Nuts, mints, those mini Hershey bar varieties and, of course, Starbursts.
Those would be the nights that Dad would keep me and Bill. We'd get to camp out in their bedroom. Dad would play games with us and read to us. We had one of those small black and white tv's back there with the antennas that Dad would adjust and adjust to get one of the four local stations to come in. And Mom would fix all of us our own bowl of snacks. Starbursts were my favorites and there always seemed to be some of each color in my bowl. Yum!
It's just a cherished memory for me. I look back now and getting to spend that time with my Dad was an amazing thing. Lots of kids, then and now, don't get that kind of attention from either parent, much less both like Bill and I did. Now that I'm older and have to be an adult and work and all that other crap adults have to do, I'm very glad when my schedule frees up and I get to spend time with my Dad. I love him very much. Him and Starbursts. Especially the yellow ones!
Monday, July 25, 2011
the hardest days of my life - part one
Clusters of crocus, purple and gold
Blankets of pansies, up from the cold
Lilies and iris, safe from the chill
Safe in my garden, snowdrops so still
Getting a late night phone call is never good. At best, it's only a wrong number, disruptive though that may be. At worst, it's bad news, which is usually the case. And from my experience, the only thing worse than getting a late night phone call is missing that call and having to call back. That's what happened to me on an early Valentine's Day morning.
February 13, 1996. I spent most of that evening in my dorm room alone. I was actually making a mixed tape for my mom and it was taking awhile to pick out just the right songs. I really do miss a good mixed tape LOL I'd never made one for her before and now that the show I was in had just ended, this was a good time.
One of my best friends in college, Stephanie, was going to turn 21 at midnight. A few months prior to that, I'd turned 21 and she and a group of friends took me out for my first drink, or actually my first 8 drinks LOL So, wanting to do the same for her, we made arrangements to meet up with Marcia and Steve, who were in rehearsal for Three Sisters, after they were done and go to Ham's to get her first legal drink. Good times!
We really did have a good time and didn't stay out too terribly late because it was a weeknight and there were plans for more celebrations the next night. I got back to my room around 1:00 am. Adam, my roommate at the time, was still up, which was not unusual. As soon as I walked into the room, he looked at me and very calmly said, "Bob, your dad called....twice. He wants you to call him as soon as you get in. He said it didn't matter how late it was"
Right then and there my heart sank. For my dad to call anyone later than 9:00pm was a big deal, much less having him wait up for me to call him. I knew deep down what he was going to tell me. So, I took a deep breath and picked up the phone. He answered after only one ring.
"Bob," he said in a tired and cracking voice, "I've got some bad news. It's your mom...." and that was all I heard before I, literally, started screaming. My poor roommate having to sit through all this while I just made this godawful noise. I eventually calmed myself down long enough to talk and make plans to come home the next day. But honestly, I don't remember many specifics of the call.
As soon as I hung up with Dad, I told Adam what was going on. Then the first person i called was Steve to let him know. Then I figured it was time to really ruin Stephanie's birthday, so I called her and asked if I could come over since she was still up and didn't live that far. She said yes and I left my room, walked past the dorms and down the hill and across Market Street to where she lived.
Stephanie met me at the door. I barely was able to get out that my mom had died before I just, for the first time that night, started crying actual tears. It was like a dam had burst and Stephanie was caught up in the rush. She hugged me tightly and held me for a long time. We sat on her porch and chain smoked, stopping only to drive to the Handy Pantry at 2:30 am to get more cigarettes. She stayed with me for hours that morning, even tho it was her birthday. I'm not sure I ever told Steph how much I loved her for doing that, but I do.
As the sun started to come up, I knew we both needed rest and I headed back towards campus. The whole walk back I was consumed with guilt. I had been cast in my first actual role that year in the first production of the spring semester. We started rehearsing early before Christmas and picked up again about a week before classes started in the spring. I'd left home early to get back to rehearsal and I began to beat myself up for that. Why did I have to leave? I should have stayed. Mom knew when I left that she would never see me again, but I was in denial. It's something that has haunted me for a long time.
By the time I got back to my room, I'd cried myself out for awhile. I climbed into bed and slept, or at least tried to, for a few hours.
Blankets of pansies, up from the cold
Lilies and iris, safe from the chill
Safe in my garden, snowdrops so still
Getting a late night phone call is never good. At best, it's only a wrong number, disruptive though that may be. At worst, it's bad news, which is usually the case. And from my experience, the only thing worse than getting a late night phone call is missing that call and having to call back. That's what happened to me on an early Valentine's Day morning.
February 13, 1996. I spent most of that evening in my dorm room alone. I was actually making a mixed tape for my mom and it was taking awhile to pick out just the right songs. I really do miss a good mixed tape LOL I'd never made one for her before and now that the show I was in had just ended, this was a good time.
One of my best friends in college, Stephanie, was going to turn 21 at midnight. A few months prior to that, I'd turned 21 and she and a group of friends took me out for my first drink, or actually my first 8 drinks LOL So, wanting to do the same for her, we made arrangements to meet up with Marcia and Steve, who were in rehearsal for Three Sisters, after they were done and go to Ham's to get her first legal drink. Good times!
We really did have a good time and didn't stay out too terribly late because it was a weeknight and there were plans for more celebrations the next night. I got back to my room around 1:00 am. Adam, my roommate at the time, was still up, which was not unusual. As soon as I walked into the room, he looked at me and very calmly said, "Bob, your dad called....twice. He wants you to call him as soon as you get in. He said it didn't matter how late it was"
Right then and there my heart sank. For my dad to call anyone later than 9:00pm was a big deal, much less having him wait up for me to call him. I knew deep down what he was going to tell me. So, I took a deep breath and picked up the phone. He answered after only one ring.
"Bob," he said in a tired and cracking voice, "I've got some bad news. It's your mom...." and that was all I heard before I, literally, started screaming. My poor roommate having to sit through all this while I just made this godawful noise. I eventually calmed myself down long enough to talk and make plans to come home the next day. But honestly, I don't remember many specifics of the call.
As soon as I hung up with Dad, I told Adam what was going on. Then the first person i called was Steve to let him know. Then I figured it was time to really ruin Stephanie's birthday, so I called her and asked if I could come over since she was still up and didn't live that far. She said yes and I left my room, walked past the dorms and down the hill and across Market Street to where she lived.
Stephanie met me at the door. I barely was able to get out that my mom had died before I just, for the first time that night, started crying actual tears. It was like a dam had burst and Stephanie was caught up in the rush. She hugged me tightly and held me for a long time. We sat on her porch and chain smoked, stopping only to drive to the Handy Pantry at 2:30 am to get more cigarettes. She stayed with me for hours that morning, even tho it was her birthday. I'm not sure I ever told Steph how much I loved her for doing that, but I do.
As the sun started to come up, I knew we both needed rest and I headed back towards campus. The whole walk back I was consumed with guilt. I had been cast in my first actual role that year in the first production of the spring semester. We started rehearsing early before Christmas and picked up again about a week before classes started in the spring. I'd left home early to get back to rehearsal and I began to beat myself up for that. Why did I have to leave? I should have stayed. Mom knew when I left that she would never see me again, but I was in denial. It's something that has haunted me for a long time.
By the time I got back to my room, I'd cried myself out for awhile. I climbed into bed and slept, or at least tried to, for a few hours.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
change
Why is change so hard? I wish I knew. I just can't seem to let go enough to change like I want to. I made a list of goals at the beginning of the year. I called them goals instead of resolutions because that seemed more realistic....oops LOL And that list still sits here collecting dust. I haven't really done much to work on it like I'd hoped I would.
I know there are things I need to change. There are definite physical and mental things I have to let go of and get rid of in order to change. Otherwise, they could, literally, kill me and that's not on my list of goals this year.
I've just got to buckle down and get to it. Maybe review my goals and pick the ones that are more attainable right now. We shall see.
I know there are things I need to change. There are definite physical and mental things I have to let go of and get rid of in order to change. Otherwise, they could, literally, kill me and that's not on my list of goals this year.
I've just got to buckle down and get to it. Maybe review my goals and pick the ones that are more attainable right now. We shall see.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
goals
This year I've made a list of goals I need to work towards. I decided to call them goals instead of resolutions because there's always such pressure when they're resolutions. Almost noone keeps them after the first few weeks, me included LOL So, goals has a more positive feeling to me and I think that will help me in sticking to them.
It's an ambitious list for me. 25 goals are on it. Some are very direct like quit smoking and some are more vague. But it's very personal to me and I know I can accomplish what I set out to do. They're all things that will help me to get back to being the person I want to be, the Bob that I miss being. I'm not going to post my list here, but I will be posting things about it as I work towards reaching these goals.
When I need help and support, I will definitely be asking for it!
It's an ambitious list for me. 25 goals are on it. Some are very direct like quit smoking and some are more vague. But it's very personal to me and I know I can accomplish what I set out to do. They're all things that will help me to get back to being the person I want to be, the Bob that I miss being. I'm not going to post my list here, but I will be posting things about it as I work towards reaching these goals.
When I need help and support, I will definitely be asking for it!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
old snow days
It snowed here yesterday and last night, so I'm sitting here at home. Didn't go into work today because I know I'm no good at driving in this sort of stuff. Michael said the main roads were fine but I still don't want to get out in it.
I miss the snow days from when I was a kid. Of course, back then it seemed that we didn't have too many of them so they were a pretty big deal. In the old days (hehe) we had to get up early and watch the local news programs and hope and pray that'd we'd see Monroe City Schools - Closed flash down at the bottom of the screen. We didn't get the convenience of a call to our cell phones at 5 am.
I just wish that snow days were as exciting to me now as they were back then. Today, they rather paralize me cause I stay indoors. It use to be so exciting to get all bundled up and meet up with the other kids on the street and try to sled down the big hill. Having an actual fire in the fireplace was great. Either mom or dad would go and pick up my grandmother and she'd stay with us while it snowed.
I think it's the feelings of safety and security during those snowstorms as a child is what I miss. Of course, being a child I didn't have to worry about driving or if we needed groceries or such. Oh well, it was fun then. Maybe one day after I win the lottery it'll be fun again LOL
I miss the snow days from when I was a kid. Of course, back then it seemed that we didn't have too many of them so they were a pretty big deal. In the old days (hehe) we had to get up early and watch the local news programs and hope and pray that'd we'd see Monroe City Schools - Closed flash down at the bottom of the screen. We didn't get the convenience of a call to our cell phones at 5 am.
I just wish that snow days were as exciting to me now as they were back then. Today, they rather paralize me cause I stay indoors. It use to be so exciting to get all bundled up and meet up with the other kids on the street and try to sled down the big hill. Having an actual fire in the fireplace was great. Either mom or dad would go and pick up my grandmother and she'd stay with us while it snowed.
I think it's the feelings of safety and security during those snowstorms as a child is what I miss. Of course, being a child I didn't have to worry about driving or if we needed groceries or such. Oh well, it was fun then. Maybe one day after I win the lottery it'll be fun again LOL
Saturday, January 1, 2011
way too long LOL
it's been way too long since I've blogged. This is something I am going to improve on this year. I'm excited about 2011. Lots of changes are going to take place. And this is going to be one of the great vehicles to help me make and keep these positive changes. I've got alot to process and get out, so get ready for a very interesting ride!
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