Thought for the day

I haven't written on my blog in a long, long time.  I don't really know why.  I could blame work, which is, definitely a factor but not entirely.  I could blame the fact that I want to spend less time on my computer, but we all know that hasn't really happened.  I guess I will just have to blame the fact that I have been lazy and neglectful....sadly, 2 things I tend to excel at.  Ah, well.

I believe I have finally started my midlife crisis.  In all honesty, I believe my actual mid life was probably 10 to 20 years ago at the rate I am going, but none the less, it has hit and hit hard.  My pot started boiling over this week when I saw a picture of myself as a child.  It's a great picture, a picture I love.  A picture that I remember hanging in a small brass colored oval frame in our house in Monroe.  But when I look at that picture now, I see a child filled with hope and potential.  A child who was, thanks to the most incredible family, happy in almost every way.  And I wonder what happened to that child?  Was there one distinct moment when everything went south for him?  Or was it a culmination of things?  I don't really know the answer to that and will probably drive myself crazy if i try to find that answer.

There are so many things right now that I need to turn around in my life.  It's overwhelming and I cannot seem to find a starting point to it.  I could make a list because, you know, I love lists, but then the list would just sit there unfulfilled.  And I don't want to say all of the things that are missing/lacking because I don't want people to contradict me.  This isn't about fishing for compliments.  This is about figuring out how to handle how I feel about my life and how to change it. 

I have a job and a degree, even though one has nothing to do with the other.  I am happy to have both but it doesn't feel like it's enough right now.  I have a wonderful partner of 11 years.  But, if you've ever been in a long term relationship, you know there are ups and downs, good times and bad times.  And it's very frustrating when you're both going through similar things and cannot really help each other.  I have a roof over my head and a house full of stuff.  I love my stuff.  I always have.  But at times it does not give me the joy that it once did.  It suffocates me at times.  I would love to share it with friends and family, but I don't feel like I have an outlet for that.

I blew up at Michael last night because I could not deal with the state of our world.  And by our world I mean the actual planet and our country's role in it.  My hatred for many things associated with our political climate and the people, both people I know and don't, who put us in this situation, has gotten me to a point where I cannot function in reality.  Plain and simple.

I will figure something out, I know.  Either with professional help or on my own, I will figure it out.  I just know that I don't want to go on with myself as is. 

If I want to keep my head above water, I guess I finally need to learn how to swim.

That is all.