thought for the day

The first step for me not to feel defeated is to find the root of the problem.  That will take some doing, and some counseling/therapy I imagine.  But, if that's what it takes, that's what it takes!

As much as I want to succeed in school, there is something holding me back.  Something very defeatist within me and I do not like it.  I am going to have to explore my past and my psyche and find out what it is.  That is a scary place to be.

Today, I had a panic attack.  Again.  I have been having them for awhile, especially since fall break.  I am having a hard time making it all work and keeping up with everything.  Yes, that is ok because I have not been a student since 1999.  Things have changed drastically.  And having spent 16 years with the same company, basically doing the same thing day after day, everything was so routine that I could do it blindfolded.  And that, honestly, is one of the reasons why we parted ways, which is a good thing.  But now, trying to adapt to school has had its rough moments.

Panic attacks suck.  Heart is pounding, feeling the walls close in.  Can't function.  Today I got so worked up that I dry heaved and had to come home.  I know some of the reasons this is happening, but I must explore further if I am going to survive.

A long, hot bath is in order tonight.

Cheers