The first step for me not to feel defeated is to find the root of the problem. That will take some doing, and some counseling/therapy I imagine. But, if that's what it takes, that's what it takes!
As much as I want to succeed in school, there is something holding me back. Something very defeatist within me and I do not like it. I am going to have to explore my past and my psyche and find out what it is. That is a scary place to be.
Today, I had a panic attack. Again. I have been having them for awhile, especially since fall break. I am having a hard time making it all work and keeping up with everything. Yes, that is ok because I have not been a student since 1999. Things have changed drastically. And having spent 16 years with the same company, basically doing the same thing day after day, everything was so routine that I could do it blindfolded. And that, honestly, is one of the reasons why we parted ways, which is a good thing. But now, trying to adapt to school has had its rough moments.
Panic attacks suck. Heart is pounding, feeling the walls close in. Can't function. Today I got so worked up that I dry heaved and had to come home. I know some of the reasons this is happening, but I must explore further if I am going to survive.
A long, hot bath is in order tonight.
Cheers
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