thought for the day

It's interesting how things have changed in many ways for me in the past year.  It was one year ago today that i was relieved of my duties at Peppermoon.  Let me say that it was a very good parting. No bitterness on either end and i believe we were all relieved that it went so well.  It was time for a change for both myself and the company.  And, even thought i have not seen many of my former coworkers in the past year, i still keep up with them as best as i can.

i never thought that i would be going back to school at my age, but last August, there i was back at UNCG.  And, admittedly, i was both excited and intimidated.  i had not been in a classroom for almost 20 years.  It was nice to see that there were many adults on campus...returning students, i mean, not the professors.  It was odd, though, that i was older than several of my professors lol  Anyway, it was definitely an adjustment in my life.  i had to relearn how to learn, how to study, how to keep up.  i was not always successful, but i did the best that i could.

Being back out in life without a safety net, so to speak, has also made me look at my surroundings.  i love my things, but they are not as important to me as they use to be.  And it's easier for me to let go of them.  In an effort not to waste time when i was not on campus, i have been trying to clean things out around the house and get rid of stuff.  i am not always successful at it, but i am a hell of a lot better than i used to be!

There have been ups and downs, definitely.  And i think they were more accentuated because my life has changed its path.  My 40th birthday was a bust, saved only by Michael and Bethann.  Other than spending time with our families, the Christmas season was a huge disappointment for me.  And i felt more isolated this year during the winter weather.  In the past, i enjoyed getting a day off of work because i was still getting paid. Now, that i'm forking over money to go to school, i did not particularly like missing my classes and playing catch up on account of Mother Nature.  On the plus side, Michael planned, with the help of his parents and some good friends, a trip to Disney World for us and it was amazing!  i felt just like a kid again.  We had a blast and i can't wait til we go again or get jobs their, whichever comes first!  the whole experience was so invigorating and i could not have asked for a better vacation.  And i also realized, thanks to school, that i actually enjoy learning.  Once again, i don't know if it is because i'm going into debt to get an education, but i'm paying more attention and actually enjoying reading, homework and figuring things out.

So, needless to say, it has been a good year for me, in the long run.  Let's hope the next one is even better!

Cheers

thought for the day - twist ties

This morning i was in the kitchen getting Michael's lunch ready for work.  i pulled open one of the small drawers and realized that it was full of twist ties...mostly from loaves of bread.  There really is no good reason for me to be stockpiling twist ties, but lo and behold, there they are.  i realized that i get this from my Grandmother.  In her kitchen, she had an antique washstand that she had acquired from a local estate.  The one drawer of the washstand was filled to the brim with twist ties.  i know that partly, having lived through the depression, Grandmother was very thrifty in many ways and if something was still useful, you held onto it until it was useful no more.  As a child, that drawer was just the right height for me to be able to open it up and peer into it.  To me, it was a world of color.  So many different colors of twist ties, many of them older than i was.  It was a drawer full of rainbows to me and i loved taking them out and playing with them.  Twisting them together to create new color blends.  Making chains with them.  It was so much fun to a four year old.
And so now, i have my own drawer full of rainbows.  i don't take them out and play with them, and we do not have any children to play with them. But, i take comfort in knowing that they're there.  Just another way Grandmother's in the kitchen with me!

Cheers

Memorial Day

Today is Memorial Day, a day that we, as a society, honor the memory of those who gave their lives in military service.  I, personally, do not know anyone that has lost his or her life while in service.  At least, not to my knowledge i do not.  But, i am very grateful for those who did give their lives for the freedoms i have today.

However, i am seeing many people on Facebook getting their panties in knots over people who are honoring living veterans and active service members today instead of just those who have died.  Posts like "Memorial Day.  Veteran's Day.  Know the difference."  Really, people?  Is this the biggest thing you have to worry about today?  i suppose i should be grateful that they aren't posting about politicians or Duggars or Kardashians.

Like i said earlier, i cannot think of anyone who i have known personally that was killed in action.  i will definitely honor the lives of all those killed.  But, if i want to honor the people i do know that are alive and have served or are currently serving, what is the problem with that?  The people i know that do serve in the military, i admire greatly.  And if i want to thank them for their service, i will do it.  Why would i want to wait until after they are killed to let them know how much their service in the name of freedom means to me?  That's ludicrous.  It's like waiting until the funeral of someone you know is terminally ill to let them know how much you care.

i totally understand where people are coming from pointing out the literal meaning of Memorial Day.  But let's face it, we rarely celebrate the true meaning of any holiday.  They are mostly only excuses for getting gifts and having time off of work.  So, i say let people celebrate however they like.  i think that telling a living soldier how much they mean on this day is a lot less offensive than the 50% off appliance sale at Sears.

And we should celebrate and honor these people every day.  Not only today.  But, that's life in the good old U.S.A.

Note to self

Try to figure out what you really want, Bob.  Things you want to try, goals you want to achieve.  Make a list.  You love lists.  But make it a true list.  Know that it's ok if you don't achieve everything on your list.  But you will never know if you don't try.  Most importantly, figure out what is standing in the way of what you want and eliminate it from your life, Bob.  You know what these things are.  It will be hard, but it is all totally doable.  You got this.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled program

Christmas shopping in May

Today, i purchased my first Christmas present of the 2015 holiday season.  Very excited about that!  i was searching through various things on ebay and ran across something that i think will be perfect for one of my friends.  So, i bid and i won.  Yippee!  Now, it may seem too early for most of you to think about Christmas shopping, but not me.  i begin thinking about it the day after Christmas.  But, today was the first time i have actually bought something this year. 

i take pride in my gift giving ability.  Anyone who knows me can attest to that.  i like finding those perfect, unique items that people will not be getting from anyone else.  That is one of the joys of starting my shopping so early.  i can take my time in finding things that are unique and can rest assured that i have accomplished that goal.  If you ask anyone who has received a gift from me, they will tell you that most likely is not something i picked up at Walmart.  Now, things like cds and dvds, yes i will get those at regular retail shops.  But really, what is the fun in that?  There's no creativity behind it.  But, i will use things like that to supplement the rare find that i also give them.

Another reason i like to start so early is that, in the long run, i save money for the types of gifts i like to give.  If i wait until the last minute, i end up spending way too much on things that i am not 100% certain of, just for the sake of giving something unusual.  That's not much fun either.  There is always that feeling in the pit of my stomach when i watch someone open a gift that i am on the fence about.  i don't like that feeling  lol!

One of the secrets to good gift giving is paying attention.  Listen to what they say.  If they show you something online, file that away.  Chances are, people will forget things and move on.  But, when i go to that file cabinet in my head, i will find so much information that all i have to do is type in a few descriptive words from the file and start shopping.  And it is much more fun to shop for things that you know will be different, yet meaningful to people.

So, yes, i have officially started my Christmas shopping.  It's early....but it's exciting....for me, at least!

facebook cover photo

This is my current cover photo on Facebook:

Why, you may ask?  or not ask lol  but there is a reason behind it.  It will not stay my cover photo forever, but it works for the time being.  Several weeks ago, someone on FB asked me to join their anti bullying group, which of course i did.  And after i did, it got me to spend some time reflecting on my own life experiences and that brought up this picture.

i was different from the moment i was born.  i have always known that and so has anyone who knew me growing up.  Yes, i was a very effeminate child growing up.  Yes, i know who all of the characters in this picture are.  But, that is who i was...and to a degree who i still am.  And it made for a very different growing up experience.  Even though i don't think that anyone would choose a life of discrimination, after much reflection i know that i would not change anything i have experienced in my life.

As i have gotten older, i have embraced my masculinity but have never forgotten my past.  i do not want to.  It has made me who i am today and, even with all of my faults, i am proud of who i am today.  But, let me tell you, growing up like me was not easy.  i was bullied every day of my life until the day i graduated high school.  Sometimes in physical form, but mostly emotional and psychological.  And it was hard.  Some days i did not want to go to school because i knew the torture that was waiting for me.  And there was no safe place for me outside the home.  School, church, neighborhood etc.  Everywhere i turned i was confronted with my differences in one way or another.  Some days it was tolerable, others it was not.

i was blessed, i AM blessed, that i have a family that did not take immediate issue with my being different.  i can only imagine the hell that they went through with their friends.  All of them...Mom, Dad, Bill....i can't even fathom.  But they managed very well under the circumstances and were, to their credit, a very strong family unit.  At times, i have felt very guilty about being the source of any misery i may have caused them.  And that is very stressful to a child.  If you have never really been bullied, it can be hard to understand what kind of burden those feelings place on you.  It's damn tough.  The closest i ever came to suicidal thoughts during my adolescence was from the guilt of the pressure i was putting on my family.  Many times i just wanted to throw in the towel, but something kept me going.  i had great support.

The people that made my life hell, in many ways, have grown up.  i have encountered some of them after we have become "adults" and i was able to let go of a lot of things.  And that felt good.  i have not seen all of them, and do not care to see them.  i can forgive but not necessarily forget.  And that's ok too.  Everyone has their own path in life.  If i am meant to be in yours, then i will be.  It always struck me funny, though, that one of the people who bullied me the most ended up marrying one of my best friends from childhood.  Interesting.

Bullying will always happen, sad to say.  It is how we deal with it that is my concern.  i was lucky but not everyone is.  So, if you suspect someone is being bullied, for whatever reason, do everything you can to make sure that they know they are safe and it will be ok.  IT WILL!

Anyway, that's part of the story of my FB cover photo.  It is a part of who i am. And for once...in a long, long time....i am not ashamed of that!