i was different from the moment i was born. i have always known that and so has anyone who knew me growing up. Yes, i was a very effeminate child growing up. Yes, i know who all of the characters in this picture are. But, that is who i was...and to a degree who i still am. And it made for a very different growing up experience. Even though i don't think that anyone would choose a life of discrimination, after much reflection i know that i would not change anything i have experienced in my life.
As i have gotten older, i have embraced my masculinity but have never forgotten my past. i do not want to. It has made me who i am today and, even with all of my faults, i am proud of who i am today. But, let me tell you, growing up like me was not easy. i was bullied every day of my life until the day i graduated high school. Sometimes in physical form, but mostly emotional and psychological. And it was hard. Some days i did not want to go to school because i knew the torture that was waiting for me. And there was no safe place for me outside the home. School, church, neighborhood etc. Everywhere i turned i was confronted with my differences in one way or another. Some days it was tolerable, others it was not.
i was blessed, i AM blessed, that i have a family that did not take immediate issue with my being different. i can only imagine the hell that they went through with their friends. All of them...Mom, Dad, Bill....i can't even fathom. But they managed very well under the circumstances and were, to their credit, a very strong family unit. At times, i have felt very guilty about being the source of any misery i may have caused them. And that is very stressful to a child. If you have never really been bullied, it can be hard to understand what kind of burden those feelings place on you. It's damn tough. The closest i ever came to suicidal thoughts during my adolescence was from the guilt of the pressure i was putting on my family. Many times i just wanted to throw in the towel, but something kept me going. i had great support.
The people that made my life hell, in many ways, have grown up. i have encountered some of them after we have become "adults" and i was able to let go of a lot of things. And that felt good. i have not seen all of them, and do not care to see them. i can forgive but not necessarily forget. And that's ok too. Everyone has their own path in life. If i am meant to be in yours, then i will be. It always struck me funny, though, that one of the people who bullied me the most ended up marrying one of my best friends from childhood. Interesting.
Bullying will always happen, sad to say. It is how we deal with it that is my concern. i was lucky but not everyone is. So, if you suspect someone is being bullied, for whatever reason, do everything you can to make sure that they know they are safe and it will be ok. IT WILL!
Anyway, that's part of the story of my FB cover photo. It is a part of who i am. And for once...in a long, long time....i am not ashamed of that!
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