hating myself.
I realize that sounds harsh, but it's the truth. And it's time I started dealing with it. It has been building up for over 30 years now and if I don't face my feelings, I will not survive.
March 23, 1987. It was a Monday and I woke up, as usual, ready for another day in 6th grade. When I walked down the hall into our den, Mom told us the news. Aunt Sara, our great aunt, had passed away early that morning. I was devastated. I cried and cried and did not want to go to school that day. I did tho, because I had no other choice.
The reason that I was so upset is because of the night before. Mom picked me up from Sunday night youth handbell practice. We drove to Union Memorial Hospital after. As we pulled into the parking lot, Mom asked me if I wanted to come up and see Aunt Sara. I told her no, that I'd wait in the car and I would see Aunt Sara the next day. Obviously, that never happened.
Thus began my road to self hatred. I have never forgiven myself for not going into the hospital that night. I don't know why I didn't go...probably something selfish as just being lazy. Never the less, I was over come with guilt when Mom told me she died. I have never been able to forgive myself for that. I know that I was only 12 years old, but still...I could have been a better person. And this one event set my life on a course, that I didn't know then, that would include many regretful experiences.
Of course, I don't blame Sara. It was all me. It became a situation that has snowballed over the past 30 years. I will write more about the other experiences, I just needed to get this first one out on paper...saying it out loud for the first time really, so to speak.
If you need to go see someone, do it. Don't let something else get in the way.
That is all.
Friday, August 24, 2018
Sunday, August 19, 2018
Thought for the day
This whole being an adult thing can be frustrating at times. I finally have a weekend off after a couple of weeks and have done almost nothing productive. Ah, well. In some ways, I am just fine being lazy but there's that nagging voice in the back of my head saying "You're an adult, don't waste your time away....pay those bills, clean that living room, give the dog a bath, etc." Obviously, I have not really been listening to that voice this weekend.
How does one be an adult when one still feels like a child in many ways? I don't know, but I need to find out. I have some changes I want/need to make and recognizing that I am, in fact, an adult, is the only way I will be able to accomplish them. It is hard to explain when I say that I feel like a child. I am, and always will be, someone's child, but that's not it. And I don't necessarily mean being childish either, though that ugly trait will pop its head up from time to time. I know that a lot of it comes from memories of my younger self. I am at a place in my life where I long for the freedom of being a child. Can I have that kind of freedom as an adult? I don't know yet.
My job was eliminated at Heritage Greens and I was transferred back to the dining room. I don't mind because I love my time in there and I really get to connect with the residents that way. But I am realizing that I am not in a place where I can really advance and is this something I want to do for the rest of my life? Hardly. I can't afford it. But the child in me that was so close to his Grandmother and wanted to please her comes out every day that I am there. It is a part of my spirit and even though I do cherish it, can I translate that into my adulthood. Being surrounded by coworkers who are 20+ years younger than myself doesn't help that either. It was the same way when I went back to school. You are surrounded by kids, basically, and you tend to forget that you are not their age. At least I did, until I would pass a mirror LOL
Anyway, I think it is time to explore this being an adult thing. I need to take more responsibility for the changes and goals in my life that I want. I can say them out loud and I can write them here or somewhere else all day long, but the bottom line is that unless I act upon them they won't happen. It's not too late to make this transition, but it is scary territory for me. But I have to remember that this does not mean getting rid of those childhood feelings, just incorporating them into the adult I want to be. It's time for Peter Pan to grow up.
That is all
How does one be an adult when one still feels like a child in many ways? I don't know, but I need to find out. I have some changes I want/need to make and recognizing that I am, in fact, an adult, is the only way I will be able to accomplish them. It is hard to explain when I say that I feel like a child. I am, and always will be, someone's child, but that's not it. And I don't necessarily mean being childish either, though that ugly trait will pop its head up from time to time. I know that a lot of it comes from memories of my younger self. I am at a place in my life where I long for the freedom of being a child. Can I have that kind of freedom as an adult? I don't know yet.
My job was eliminated at Heritage Greens and I was transferred back to the dining room. I don't mind because I love my time in there and I really get to connect with the residents that way. But I am realizing that I am not in a place where I can really advance and is this something I want to do for the rest of my life? Hardly. I can't afford it. But the child in me that was so close to his Grandmother and wanted to please her comes out every day that I am there. It is a part of my spirit and even though I do cherish it, can I translate that into my adulthood. Being surrounded by coworkers who are 20+ years younger than myself doesn't help that either. It was the same way when I went back to school. You are surrounded by kids, basically, and you tend to forget that you are not their age. At least I did, until I would pass a mirror LOL
Anyway, I think it is time to explore this being an adult thing. I need to take more responsibility for the changes and goals in my life that I want. I can say them out loud and I can write them here or somewhere else all day long, but the bottom line is that unless I act upon them they won't happen. It's not too late to make this transition, but it is scary territory for me. But I have to remember that this does not mean getting rid of those childhood feelings, just incorporating them into the adult I want to be. It's time for Peter Pan to grow up.
That is all
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