Christmas thought for the day

Last night i sat and watched a Christmas concert on PBS Roku. Not having "real" cable, we only get a few channels and finding holiday offerings on the channels we do get are few and far between.  It was a wonderful concert, the St. Olaf Choir performing in a cathedral in Norway. i do love good choral music and their choirs are among the best in the world.

One reason i enjoyed it so much is because it was something i would have sat down and watched with Grandmother. The holidays are definitely one time of the year when the absence of Mom and Grandmother are heightened. But so many memories flood back that it is almost a catch 22.  i both cherish and despise it.  Christmas is, no matter what i seem to do, one of those holidays that will never be as good as it use to be.  Don't get me wrong, i still enjoy it immensely, but it is a time of year that nostalgia definitely overtakes me and i am living in the memories of wonderful Christmases past.

One of the hardest things about the holidays, consistently, is that it is the one time of year that i regret not having children.  It is truly a holiday for children and i feel somewhat left out.  i had always dreamed of seeing the faces on my children's faces on Christmas morning after Santa had been there. The thrill of buying that just perfect gift that they want, thinking they won't get it and seeing the surprise when Santa comes through with it.  Filling up their Christmas stockings with fun silly things. Finding the hiding places in the house to store Santa's haul. It wasn't until years after Mom died that Dad told us where they had always hidden most of our Christmas gifts....the trunk that i now use as a coffee table.

And i do feel left out of a certain joy of the season. i distinctly remember laying in bed, i was about 4 or 5, and i couldn't sleep on Christmas Eve because i was so excited. i just knew i was hearing Santa's sleigh bells outside. i gazed out the windows for what seemed like hours until i finally fell asleep.  And sure enough, when i woke up the next morning, Santa had been there. It was just such a wonderful feeling and i can only imagine the joy my parents felt.  It must have been something.  But, that is how life goes.  I suppose using my imagination is better than nothing.