thought for the day - my mood

It has been an up and down weekend for me.  Honestly, i'm not exactly sure why.  For the most part, things are going well other than being sick still.  i think that one of the reasons i have felt lost is because of one of the books i'm reading.  "Everything Was Possible" is the story behind the creation of the musical "Follies".  It is definitely a fascinating read so far and i do enjoy anytime i read about the creative process.  Anyway, because of that, the show itself has been burning up my brain power a lot lately.  It is one of my favorites of all time.  But, it is a hard show because it is all about confronting the ghosts of your past.  Sometimes, in the show, the characters literally are confronting their own ghosts.  It's eerie at times, but shows a part of life that must be faced in order to move on.

i'm not sure if i am ready to confront some of my ghosts, but i know the time is coming that i must.  And it has made me scared.  i miss the person i used to be 20+ years ago.  There are times, especially when i'm on campus, that i still feel like that boy.  Then the realization hits that i am not him anymore.  In fact, i'm old enough i could be his father.  And at times, i just want to shake him and tell him which road to take so he won't end up as crazy as i feel at times.  Of course, i can't do that, but it's a nice thought.  i know that i cannot change my past, but facing it seems almost unbearable at times.

i get lonely.  And, yes, i tend to isolate myself which only makes my feelings snowball.  i miss that ghost who had the constant circle of actual friends and an instant support group whenever needed.  i miss that ghost who still had both parents and a grandmother who adored him.  i want to slap that ghost for not taking advantage of those circumstances.

Maybe i will figure out a way to change these feelings of emptiness.  Maybe not.  Who knows.  All i can do is try.

Cheers