Thought of the day

Here it is Tuesday morning.  Sometimes it's hard to believe that another week has gone by and I'm already starting a new one.  This morning, I woke up with a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I have no idea why, but I feel nervous and anxious today.  I do hope that is will not be a trend for the rest of my day and these feelings will subside.  We shall see.

It is finally starting to feel like autumn here.  I think that's part of the reason for my feelings this morning.  I normally love fall.  Well, I think I love what it once meant to me growing up.  Fall was the beginning of the holiday season with Halloween and Thanksgiving.  Fall was Friday night football games in high school.  Fall was dreading Dad asking me to help rake leaves.  Fall was being able to wear sweaters.  It use to be one of my favorite times of year. 

Now it is, as each season seems to be becoming, simply a reminder of what I haven't done.  I had so many plans for the summer months which never happened.  I wanted to clean out the garage.  I wanted to exercise more.  I wanted to conquer some personal demons.  I wanted to be more of a social person in real time.  Yes, I know that all of these things can still occur, but the ending of one season and the beginning of another is just a reminder that I didn't do it yet.  I begin to feel defeated and depressed.  I will get over it because I always do, I just hate going through it each time.  And, in some ways, with the state of the world being what it is, I wonder if improvements are even worth attempting.

I begin to question myself on things like have I been a good enough son?  Have I been a good enough husband?  Have I been a good enough friend.  Of course, the answer is always "no" but that's human nature and something we all feel whether or not we admit it openly.  I'm just admitting it this morning.  I just simply cannot allow the feelings to over power me or else I will be of no use to anyone, including myself.

Well, autumn is truly under way and I must deal with how I feel.  I will keep trying to do the things I need and want to do and see how that goes.  After all, all I can do is try.  Right?

Time to refresh my coffee.

Cheers