Sometimes, anxiety just happens

Last night, for the first time in a long time, I had a major anxiety attack.  If you've ever had one before, you know how crippling it can be.  If you haven't had one...feel blessed.  For me, this one was both physical and mental.  I felt like everything was closing in on me, emotionally.  And I started panicking and lashing out.  My pulse started racing and I had a hard time catching my breath.  This had not happened in a long time.  And, honestly, there was not anything that brought this on specifically.

Yesterday, I started to get very frightened.  Even though the pandemic is ongoing, things are beginning to open back up.  I have social anxiety and don't always handle it well when I am placed outside the confines of my routine.  And it's a catch 22 because I want to get out and do things and meet people and yet, in some ways, it scares me to death.  In that way, the pandemic was a welcome relief because I didn't have to deal with that.  I had no choice.  Now that I'm beginning to have a choice, it is causing me anxiety.  I have spent so much time on things like FB that I hide behind it.  I was going to take some time off of those places but I realized later on that's not the solution.  I'm not sure what the solution exactly is yet, but it's not that.  I don't need to isolate myself any more than normal.  And I do have a few ideas on opening myself up more.  

I started to feel like the world was closing in on me....literally.  My body got very tense and it was difficult to breathe.  I almost got myself a paper bag to breathe into cause that does work when needed.  This time, though, I let it out through tears.  I just gushed for awhile because that's what I needed to do.  I learned a long time ago that I hold back my emotions way too much and I need to let them out more or they can put me in a dangerous place.  Honestly, it felt good.  Amazing, actually.  And once I was done and rehydrated myself, I was able to start putting things into perspective.

I do feel much better today.  And I will feel even better tomorrow.  It is time to face my demons and begin working on the person I want to be.  Anxiety will always be a part of life, I have to accept that.  But I know ways that I can lessen those feelings.  I have to make some changes....doctor's orders...and I know that it can happen.  Sometimes just having a good cry can really help.