10 things you don't know about me...#6

Lemon Meringue is my favorite Strawberry Shortcake character

Another shocker i know, right!  LOL  yes, growing up i was a big girl in a lot of ways.  i never really knew that anything was different about that for many of my early years as a child.  i'm not really sure how my parents had the strength to deal with it, but somehow they managed to with dignity and i cannot thank them enough for that.

Anyway, Strawberry Shortcake started getting popular, toy wise, in the late 70s.  i can't remember when i got introduced to these toys, or by whom.  But i do remember getting my first miniature for Christmas when i was in kindergarten.  It was Apricot.  (Kudos if you remember which one that is lol)  But, of the original ones that came out, Lemon Meringue was always my favorite.  i'm not really sure why, but she was.  Maybe it's because she was the big girl out of all the others.  The same way that, for a long time, Blair was my favorite on Facts of Life lol  Or maybe i just had a thing for blondes at the time....who knows.

i always wanted a Lemon Meringue doll when i was a child, but never got one :(  So, last year for our anniversary, Michael was brave enough to get me one haha :)  It's in its original box and has her pet Frappe in there with here...i was very excited.  Too excited, but oh well.  That's love for you!!

Dear Mom,

I hope that this finds you doing well up in Heaven.  18 years is such a long time.  In some ways, it seems like only yesterday that you were here...the memories are still that fresh.  So much has happened to me since you've been gone that i want to update you on a few things.  And even though you already know all of this, since you are watching over me, i want to tell you anyway.

I'll start out with the biggest one.  I'm gay.  Shockers, I know, Mom.  I finally started coming out of the closet before you died actually.  My friend, Renee Church, was the first person to get the information out of me, Mom, and it was like the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders.  I realize that you had probably figured this out years before I did, but thank you so much for letting me take my own journey to self discovery.  After you died, I asked Janet if you had ever had any concerns that I might be gay.  She told me that you thought I might be, but you didn't want to pressure me.  You just wanted me to be happy and not to get hurt by society's prejudices.  Thank you for that, Mom.

On that note, Mom, i want you to know about the 3 relationships i've had since you've been gone.  All 3 very different men, but all 3 you would've loved!  John, my first bf, is just the sweetest man ever.  He has the most beautiful singing voice and he's got a wicked sense of humor.  Jason, my 2nd, you would've just loved.  He's an amazing cook and just a good spirit.  He was part of the family for the births of both of your granddaughters.  For whatever reason, these didn't work out and they've both ended up with the men they're suppose to be with.  And the nice thing is, Mom, we still stay in touch.  Jason is one of my best friends and he'd be one of yours too!

Which brings me to Michael, Mom.  Michael opened up a whole different world to me.  i can't really explain it, but we just connected....it's so real.  We have our ups and downs, just like you and Dad did, but we work through it (i learned by your example)  We're as different as night and day, but compliment each other so well.  This is the real deal and i wish you were here to enjoy it.  i have the most AMAZING set of in laws now.  And the Forneses have all met the Abernethys and it made me so happy!

Btw, sadly you won't be getting any grandchildren from me, but you've got a great granddog that you would just adore!  His name is Squirt.  We rescued him and just absolutely love him!

well, what next!  haha  i suppose you know that by know Dad has remarried.  She's a wonderful woman and i know if you were here you'd love other (except for the fact she's married to Dad haha)  But, really, we could not have asked for a better person to be in our lives.  They left Monroe several years ago and moved to Angier.  i have to admit that i haven't been back since they left and i should go.  From all i've heard, our neighborhood just isn't the same...but boy, it was amazing growing up!

Mom, there have been some difficult times as well.  i never finished college. i meant to, but haven't yet.  i got so lost after you died.  i stayed in a few years but just could not focus enough to justify wasting Dad's money.  i will get back one day, i promise.

i also have to admit, and this is hard, that i was not good to Grandmother or Janet when they got sick.  In both cases, i emotionally shut off from it.  i'm so sorry.  it's not the way i was raised and i knew better than that.  The fear of losing them took over and i just didn't deal with it.  i hope you can forgive me.  i hope they can forgive me.  i know in my heart that if i had done what i should've done when Grandmother got ill, she would have lived for a few more years.  i'm working hard on dealing with all of this, so please be patient with me and i will get there.

You have two beautiful and amazing granddaughters, Mom.  Margaret and Jane.  We don't get to see them as often as we'd like, but that's life.  They're both so smart and creative and artistic.  Margaret is the epitome of Heidi and Jane has Fornes written all over her!  I wish you could be here to watch them grow up.  Bill and Heidi are the best parents ever.  It's very obvious that they were raised by you and Dad and Jay and Ellen.  You'd be so proud of all of them.  Did you ever tell Bill that if you'd had a girl you wanted to name her Margaret?  i can't remember but thought it interesting when they named her Margaret.

Well, i will let you go for this year.  i know there is a lot more to say, but i will save some of it till next year.  i remember a dream i had over 10 years ago....i was hosting a party and you were there.  i remember there were a lot of people there that had come into my life.  You were standing and talking with Jennifer Avery, John Ramsey and Lee Strickland.  You were talking to them as if you'd known them forever. i pulled you aside and asked you "Mom, how do you know these people"  And you looked me square in the eye and said "Bob, how do you think you know all of these people"  And i knew right then that you brought them into my life from up above.  Thank you for that, Mom.  And for the ouija board...but i'll talk about that another time.

i love you, Mom and miss you.  Talk to you again soon!

recipe of the week - Mexican Chicken Corn Chowder

i made this for the first time last night.  Since it was snowing and i knew i was NOT going to leave the house, i figured it was a good time to try out a new recipe.  This is easy and definitely a keeper!!

1 & 1/2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1/2 cup chopped onion
1 to 2 garlic cloves, minced
3 Tbsp butter
1 cup chicken stock
1/2 to 1 tsp ground cumin
2 cups half&half cream
2 cups (8 oz) shredded Monterey Jack cheese
1 can (16 oz) cream style corn
1 can (4 oz) chopped green chilies, undrained
1/4 to 1 tsp hot sauce
1 medium tomato, chopped
Fresh cilantro or parsley to garnish, optional

Cut chicken into bite-size pieces.  In a Dutch oven, brown chicken, onion and garlic in butter until chicken is no longer pink. Add chicken broth and cumin to pan; bring to a boil.  Reduce heat; cover and simmer for 5 minutes.  Add cream, cheese, corn, chilies and hot pepper sauce.  Cook and stir over low heat until cheese is melted.  Stir in tomato.  Serve immediately; garnish with cilantro or parsley if desired.  Serves 6-8.

Enjoy!

the hardest days of my life - part two

I didn't sleep too much that night.  I mean, I know I slept, but it was restless and only a few hours.  I woke up somewhere around 8:30 am.  And the first thing that came to my mind was that I had to tell Be Boyd.  Be had been one of my acting professors for the last three years and we'd become close.  Her own mother had passed away just the year before, and Be and I bonded over our moms and had become pretty close friends.  And, because of that, I wanted to be the one to tell her.  I didn't want her to hear it from someone else.

I got dressed and wandered out of the dorm.  I stopped by the Elliot University Center because I knew I needed to get something to eat.  I wasn't particularly hungry, but I knew well enough that I had to have something on my stomach if I was going to have any energy at all.  I bought a Coke and a 100 Grand candy bar and sat down at a table and quietly ate it.  After I was done, I made my way towards the Curry building, where Be's office was.  The closer I got to the building, I could feel my body start to tremble.  Since there were classes going on in the acting studios, I had to walk around the side of the building by the professors' windows.  I knew Be would be there because she was doing an independent study with Kelly Keaton and Sarah McKinney.  As I was walking by the windows I just kept telling myself to hold it together for 30 more seconds.  Don't lose it outside.  Wait until I at least get into the building.  And i did...i held it together.

I could hear Be, Kelly and Sarah in her office when i knocked on the door.  Be opened it and i asked her if i could talk to her.  I realize i must have looked like hell because I was fully expecting Be to tell me that she needed to finish up with Sarah and Kelly and would I mind waiting.  But, she didn't.  She looked at me and knew something was wrong.  "Yes, of course" she told me and then asked the girls if they would wait out in the hall.  I went into Be's office and she closed the door behind us.  I managed to just say "My Mom died" before i began wailing.  Be held onto me and guided me to a chair and gave me some kleenex.  She stepped outside and told Kelly and Sarah what had happened and they came in to console me for a moment.  I think we were all crying.

I sat in Be's office for the rest of that hour and told her all I knew that Dad had told me on the phone the night before.  I don't really remember much about the conversation, just that Be was very comforting to me.  But, at the end of the hour, she did have an acting class to teach, which was fine because I really needed to get going anyway.  Not before she went to Lorraine's office next door and told her what had happened.  Lorraine, too, came in, with great comfort for me.

I left and headed over to Taylor Theater.  I'm not really sure why I went there...I think I just needed to be where I felt comfortable and loved...where everybody knows your name (cue Cheers theme lol)  I sat out in the courtyard, chain smoking and trying to keep myself together as best as possible and not really deal with the reality of the last 12 hours.  As I sat on a bench, Jim Wren and his TA's from Drama Appreciation walked through the courtyard....one of them being the fabulous Jill Womack.  Jill looked at me and I think she could tell something was wrong.

Jill sat down beside me and put her arm around me.  She asked me if everything was ok.  I could only shake my head "no".  "Is it your Mom?" she asked.  I shook my head "yes"  "What happened?"  All i could get out was "She died" before i started bawling right there.  Jill took hold of me and held me tight.  Jill probably sat there with me for almost an hour...telling anyone who came by and asked so that I wouldn't have to talk.  I remember that Katie came by and gave me some candy...it was Valentine's Day after all!

Jill had to leave to go to her acting class.  It was just as well, because I needed to get myself in gear to head home and I was totally procrastinating.  I stood up to leave after Jill went inside.  She hadn't been in there 2 minutes when Jennifer Avery came bolting out of the theater door and grabbed me...almost knocking me down.  I don't remember what we said, just that she also held me as I cried.

It felt good to be loved so much and I needed it then.

panic attack today

i had my first panic/anxiety attack today and i have to admit that i really did not enjoy it.  At least, i think that's what it was...i have nothing to compare it to really, but that's what i'm going to call it.  i was at work...go figure...and it was work that got me into that mode.  Again, go figure.  All of a sudden i got very agitated at work.  Stressed, anxious, angry, raging.  It all happened very quickly and took me by surprise.  i also got extremely short of breath.  i panicked big time.  i honestly feared i was having a  heart attack.  But, whatever it was, i did not like it and i do not want to experience that again. i'm sure that i will, but i do not want to.  i know what circumstances caused it at work, so maybe knowing that can help prevent this from happening then.  We shall see.