Anytime you grieve the loss of someone or something, you always have to go through a series of firsts. That's one of the things that I hate the most about grief because no matter how many times you've been through the grieving process, the firsts will always be there. Losing Squirt has been very painful at times, but I know it was the right thing to do for him and for myself. Still, those first firsts were really difficult. And it's the small things that bring on the emotion. The first time I had to leave the house for work was awful. My morning used to be filled with getting things done for Squirt before work and all of a sudden I had this huge void in the morning. I didn't have to do my checklist of things before leaving for work. And I found that I missed having that routine. Frankly, it sucked.
And other things as well. The first time coming home from work and him not being there. The first thunderstorm without him. They used to scare the crap out of him, but in the last year not so much. Still, those memories came to the forefront when the storm passed through. The first time I sneezed was hard because it used to startle him and I would apologize. Suddenly, there was no one to apologize to. I know that there will be many more firsts over the next year. I'm not looking forward to them but it's all part of the process. I will get through it.
That is all.
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