Psalms 126:5

 

I do hope this is true.  We all need it these days

Thought of the Day

 

I have decided that I need to take up more space.  No, I don't need to gain more weight.  I already take up enough space that way LOL  I need to be more of a part of life and not just remain in the background.  I am not complaining about how I have lived my life or am currently living my life but I have made some observations/revelations lately about that.  Looking back on lots of things over my 5 decades on Earth, I have started to notice a pattern.  I start off strong and then slowly fade into the background. I fade into the background in an attempt to stay a part of the group and not rock the boat.  I have done it with my social interactions, with my relationships and with my jobs.  

In each of those kinds of experiences, I come on very strong.  Once I have secured my position, then I just stay on the sidelines and watch mostly.  With my current job, the first two years I was in it I was a powerhouse and people took notice.  While I am still good at my job, I simply don't put myself out there like I did when I began.  I need to get back to that.  Let people know that I'm still here and I am worth your time.  By the way, I am NOT saying that my coworkers do not appreciate me.  Quite the contrary.  It's just different than when I started because I have become comfortable in what I do.  I need to challenge myself at work and get back into the spotlight on occasion.

I am going into a time that is going to be extremely busy for me with work and school.  But I can do this. I can not only make a good impression, but I can also continue that energy in the different aspects of my life.  I just have to set my mind in that mode and follow through with it.  

That is all. 

Time to start exercising

 It is really time for me to get off of my behind and start exercising.  The other week at work we had an Easter event going on in my building and pictures were taken.  I was horrified at how I looked.  The 30 plus pounds that I have gained over the past year are not flattering at all.  Not that I expected them to be, but still it was pretty eye opening to me.  It's not like I have not seen myself with all of this weight, it is just that it struck me in a different way looking at those pictures. 

Knowing that the pictures taken at work will be posted to one of our social media accounts, I found myself pretty embarrassed at how I looked.  And my coworkers are so nice about it.  They don't talk about it while I'm around even though I know they can see the difference in how I look.  I mean, they're not blind LOL I need to just jump in with both feet and start doing it again.  I loved it back this time last year when I did and it made me feel better.  

I know it's a lot of work and it will be hard, but I know that I can do it.  I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit most of the time. It will be worth it, definitely.  Like everyone else, I am not getting any younger and if I don't truly start taking the time to take care of my body it won't last as long as I want it to.  And I want to be around for awhile!

That is all

Low Tire Pressure

 I will be the first person to admit that I do not handle car trouble very well.  And that is pretty much because I do not know a whole lot about cars.  Yes, that is my own fault and yes, it is never too late to learn.  Not the point here, though.  I get very anxious when something unexpected is going on with my car.  Like two Decembers ago, when my fuel line sensor died and because of that so did the car.  I was about 10 minutes from Dad's house around 8pm. Thank God for AAA.  Even though I had to wait for over an hour (not complaining), it was nerve wracking because I was in the middle of the country.  That's the kind of thing that just wrecks my nerves.

Several weeks ago, I get in my car to drive home from work.  As I am almost home my "low tire pressure" light comes on.  Great!! While I appreciate that my car lets me know this information, my car is a 2010 so it doesn't tell me which one it is. I just couldn't deal with it right then.  It stressed me out.  Jason very kindly let me use his air compressor the next morning.  So, there I am at 7:30 am in the pouring rain putting air in my rear tires.  Luckily those were the ones that needed it. Fun!  This past Friday it came on again.  On my way into work this time. I try to handle the anxiety calmly.  I decided I would go to Sheetz because they have an air pump that is free and digital.  I get out of my car and can tell which one is low, thank goodness.  I turn the machine on and it will only go up to 36 PSI.  I drive an SUV so I need 44 PSI.  Dammit LOL  I go to another Sheetz that is on my way to work.  Same thing.  Really?!  I drive back to the Shell station in my neighborhood where I get my gas because I know it has a coin operated machine.  Of course, it takes 6 quarters, and I have 4. By this time I've rolled my eyes more times than I care to admit.  

I go back home and decide I will try to find Jason's compressor in his car. He's asleep but won't mind if I use it.  And that was pointless.  I looked in every spot in his car I could think of and could not find it.  I came to learn later that he keeps it in his console. I have noted that for future use. I go back into the house and get like 15 quarters out of my change box and head back to the Shell station.  I get my air and go about my merry way, late to work. But I did call ahead and let them know. And luckily, my day calmed down after that. Whew.

From now on, I am going to keep plenty of quarters in my car and remember that something free is not always something better.  Sometimes I miss those pre 16 age years of life when I had to be driven everywhere.  A bother for my parents probably but it was good for me.  And that is this week's escapade in adulting. 

That is all. 

Quote of the Week

 

Heartbreaker - Dionne Warwick

 As a fan of Dionne Warwick's music, I have been listening to several of her albums lately.  This is one of my favorites of hers....and there are so many to choose from.  The first time I really heard this song was back in college, the first time.  My great friend Mary Floyd put this on a mixed tape for me.  I still have that tape!  But I loved the song from that moment on. Such a rich voice she has.  Enjoy!

Slides of London

 A few months ago, while I was cleaning out a closet, and it seems like I am always cleaning out something, I came across three carousels of slides that were Mom's.  They are of her trip to London in the mid 80s. I was excited to find them because I honestly forgot that I had them.  I will always remember Mom's excitement at that trip.  It was probably the best trip of her life.  She went with her best friend Janet and a group of people through Wingate College (Wingate University now). They had a wonderful student rewards program that if you maintained a certain gpa they would send you on an overseas trip during winter break.  There were always several destinations to choose from each year.  Anyone from the public was invited to go.  Janet worked for Wingate at the time and so she and Mom decided to go.

When Mom came back from the trip she brought not only these slides but so much more.  Many souvenirs of her travels throughout the city.  I got a music box from Harrods.  Bill got his first David Winter cottage. There were gifts for everyone.  She talked about going to see Cats in the West End and going to see a play at the Haymarket starring Maggie Smith and, I believe, Joan Plowright. She had endless tales of her adventures, and we all listened very intently. Of course, she showed us her slides.  And she showed them to lots of people.  Her book club, her bridge clubs.  Dad would bring a projector and screen from work and set them up for her so that she could show them proudly.  And this was back in the days before social media and iPhones and such. And international travel was a much bigger deal back then.  Not that it isn't as big a deal today, but it is definitely more commonplace now than then. 

I was telling this to a friend of mine at work and he offered to loan me his slide projector.  That was very generous of him.  Side note - I also found some much older slides from the 50s that he is interested in me exploring but that will be for another blog.  So, I am hoping this weekend to set up the slide projector and take a trip down memory lane with Mom and her London excursion.  I have the perfect wall for it in my den.  It will be a fun thing to do and relive some of her happiest moments. 

Today's Moment of Mindfulness

 

The Universe is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to become sharper.

Movies on TV back in the day

When I was a child, there were two major events each year that I looked forward to.  And it was not a holiday or my birthday, even though I enjoyed both very much. It was the showing of two classic films on tv:  The Wizard of Oz and The Sound of Music. Many of the generations that have come behind me do not really know the joys of appointment television.  And they almost certainly do not know the thrill of watching a movie on television.  The invention of the VCR, DVD player, Blu-ray player and now streaming services have taken that experience away from them.  They can watch almost any movie they wish to at any time these days.  And while that is convenient, it is still not as fun as inching closer each day to when the film would be shown. 

Once a year, and only once a year, these two movies were annually shown on television for most of my childhood.  Often when one was going to be shown it would be on the cover of the tv guide that came with the Sunday paper. I would get so excited knowing that one of my favorite movies was coming on.  In the beginning, we all sat as a family and watched them.   Once Bill became a teenager I don't believe he saw them as much during that time.  But Mom and I would be glued to the television every time. Dad was normally in the room, probably reading a book LOL  

As I have grown older, I still watch those movies on my own schedule.  It's interesting to me that The Wizard of Oz was pretty much shown in its entirety while The Sound of Music was edited for television.  This, of course, was due to its length and not necessarily the need to cut anything out that would be offensive in those days. It was not until years later when I watched The Sound of Music on VHS that I saw scenes that I had never seen before.  I remember Mom telling me about the Von Trapp children going berry picking and I had no clue what she meant.  Now, I do.

I often miss those times when we sat down as a family to watch a movie.  We'd pop popcorn and have sodas.  A real treat.  Actually, the invention of the VCR gave us more chances to do that in later years.  But the thrill of waiting all week for the Friday night showing of one of my two favorite films is something I will always cherish.  Maybe I'll put some popcorn in the microwave and watch one tonight!

On Top of the World - The Carpenters

 I woke up this morning in a Carpenters kind of mood. I have always loved their music, thanks to Mom.  And I wanted something fun and uplifting to start my day with.  Enjoy!

Thought of the Day

 

I am sitting here this morning looking at the goldfish in my fish tank and wondering what they are thinking.  Since living in this tank is the only life they have known for almost 10 years now, are they content? Do they ever wonder what it may be like to live in a large body of water?  Do they even know what that is or do they think the entire world is in this small tank?  Sometimes I do feel guilty that they do not know what it's like to be free...whatever that means these days. But then I also remember that they are protected now and well cared for.  Would they have lasted this long in the wild?  Maybe.  Maybe not. Do they ever get lonely even though the two fish have each other for company?  There's really no way of knowing the answer to these questions because, obviously, fish cannot talk.  Unless this were an animated movie, then they could answer without issue. That would be something!

It has often made me wonder if the protection and comfort of my house and the life I lead is enough for me.  Even though, in my head, I want more, am I willing to risk living outside of my tank and risking failure? Like my fish, I cannot answer the question.  Even though I can talk, I still cannot answer the question. Security is important. As I look to the future, especially after graduation, I have to wonder if anything will change.  Will I seek out change or will I stay tucked away here in my house? There's no telling right now.  The world is a dangerous and scary place right now and if I find that keeping my sanity right now means continuing in the life I currently have then so be it.  

There's no clear-cut answer to this question for me.  At least not today. So, as I sit here watching my fish swim around the tank, I feel connected them more than normal this morning. We have a nice coexistence, and I am glad that I have them. They remind me that, for now, it's ok to be content in the normal routine of my life.

That is all. 

Quote of the Week

 

Despite the negativity enveloping our world, I have to start my day as positively as I can. 

Looking for a church home

As Easter comes tomorrow, I am looking forward to spending time with some good friends throughout the weekend.  It is good for my soul to have the company of people that I love and cherish. But I am also reflecting on my desire for a church home.  I have attended several churches over the past decade and really did enjoy them both.  But neither of them checked all of my boxes.  I know it is probably wrong to have boxes to check when seeking out a church, but at this age I want what I want, and I will not settle for less than that in any area of my life...church included. 

The main thing, truly, that I want from a church is a place that feels like home.  Everything else is on the negotiating table.  Growing up at First Baptist Church in Monroe, NC, I felt like it was home.  While we did have our share of problems that I do not want to get into here and I had my own personal problems with certain aspects of the church, still, it was home to me. The members of that church were and still are an important part of my life. That's the kind of welcoming feeling that I want in a church.  To feel like, as a sinner, I am still accepted.  Both of the churches I have attended in Greensboro did that to a degree. Something was just missing though. 

I know that many people have a problem with organized religion these days and I understand why.  People say one thing and then do the complete opposite.  I will say that the two churches I have been to here are filled with people who followed the teachings of Jesus and lived like Him.  So, I know that they are out there and that there are more places filled with such people. 

So, one of my goals this year is to find a church home.  I may revisit the churches I have been to, but I also think I may step outside the Baptist denomination.  There is a Methodist church here in town that I have some friends that attend.  They have both contemporary and traditional services. Of course, I more on the traditional side...big shocker I know.  But I have looked over their website and they have a lot going on.  There are lots of opportunities for worship and for participation.  And, they have an active handbell program!  Plus, they have their own radio station which is my all-time favorite station to listen to!  

We shall see how it goes.  I have a lot on my mind right now, as we all do, and I will get myself there eventually.  Taking life one day at a time and the search for a church home is no different.  

Were You There

 For Easter, I have chosen the traditional spiritual "Were You There" to share.  I was writing a letter to a friend yesterday and was talking about what few memories I have of the church of my childhood, First Baptist of Monroe, at Easter. I think it's because as a child, I was more excited about the Easter bunny than to truly understand the significance of the day.  What I do remember is this song.  One Easter, Martha Parris, who had a beautiful, rich soprano voice, sang this a Capella from our balcony.  It was beautiful and very haunting. The soloist from the Gracias Choir does a fine job. 

Today's Moment of Mindfulness

 

Our reactions are hard-wired within us - see if you can become more aware of how you behave when you are faced with challenges.  Very often our innate response happens before we have stopped to give it some thought. 

Prayer for personal growth

 

I really do need to develop better habits in my life and prayers like this are very helpful in guiding me to achieve my goals. 

Today's Moment of Mindfulness

 

Memories - don't forget to be present and mindful while they are being made. 

Quote of the Week

 

It is no secret that I love music, and it is a huge part of my daily existence.  I listen throughout the day. It is a great escape for me and always relaxes me and energizes me. The world is a better place because of music.  

Do I need a second job?

 Sometimes I wonder if getting a 2nd job is going to be a necessity soon.  While I make enough money to live on each month, I do not make enough to pay off debts in the manner that I would like to. I do put money in my savings account with each paycheck and I do not want to stop doing that. I want to continue to build that nest egg, only dipping into it when it's absolutely necessary.  With my credit card, I do make more than the minimum payment each month, so I am happy with that. it is not always as much as I would like but I make sure it's more than what is owed. 

I am worried about what will happen with my student loans.  I cannot figure out what is going on with them right now with the government in the state that it is in. I am currently not scheduled to make payments on it for another few years because, frankly, I do not make enough to live and to make those payments.  If that is taken away, I may have to default on the loan.  It's both frustrating and scary. I will check on my account to see what the status is now and hopefully I will have some time.

Having mentioned those things, I do wonder if I need to find a part-time job to supplement my income.  It will not happen until after grad school is over in a few months.  But it is definitely something I am thinking about. Of course, who knows, I may find an amazing job with an amazing salary upon graduation.  We shall see. But if I can find someone who is hiring and can work with whatever my full-time schedule is, I think I would probably enjoy it.  For the most part, I enjoy working.  And it is not like I don't want to pay my loans off. I do.  But finding a job that allows that as well as living can be tough.  For now, I will just take a deep breath and continue to move forward. 

Way Beyond the Blue - Eva Cassidy

 Eva Cassidy is one of my all-time favorite vocalists. Her version of Way Beyond the Blue is fun to listen to and many people have performed her arrangement.  I'm glad her original version is finally on Youtube.  Enjoy!

Thought of the Day

 

There are days, most days in fact, when I wish I could go back and correct the mistakes that I made in life.  I think we all would love to have the power to do that. I have made plenty of mistakes along the way.  Some very big.  And, yes, I did learn from those mistakes.  I have not forgiven myself for some of them but that will come in time.  I often wonder how my life would be different if I had not done some of the things I have done. Even though those events shaped me into the person I am today, how would I be different?  How would my life be different?  Overall, I am happy and proud of the person I am today.  It has taken me a long time to get to this point in my adult life. And thanks to counseling over the years, I know why I made some of those mistakes and can, hopefully, recognize if some things start to happen again and work to prevent them from occurring. I just wonder sometimes. 

That is all

Recipe of the Week - Lemon Artichoke Salad

 I need to eat more salads and so I am always on the lookout for different salad recipes. While I love traditional salads like a garden salad, chef salad, Caesar salad, etc., I do not want to burn out on them.  I found this salad on the Taste of Home website.  I decided to try it and really liked it.  It's like and will be a good salad for summer.  I could make a meal out of it by adding chicken or shrimp to the salad one day.  Enjoy!

Lemon Artichoke Salad

10 cups torn romaine lettuce

4 tomatoes, chopped

1 14oz can quartered artichoke hearts, diced

2.25 oz sliced olives (I used green)

3 Tbsp water

3 Tbsp lemon juice

3 Tbsp olive oil

2 cloves of garlic, minced

1 tsp salt

1/2 tsp pepper

1/3 cup shredded parm

Place first 4 ingredients in a bowl.  Place all other ingredients except for the cheese in a lidded jar.  Shake well.  Pour over salad.  Toss to coat.  Top with parmesan and serve. 

The Clarinet

 This morning, like many mornings, I am starting my day with a podcast and some coffee.  I chose an episode of Fresh Air to listen to today.  It is about jazz clarinetist Doreen Ketchens.  So far, it is quite interesting as Fresh Air always is. It got me to thinking about my clarinet and the seven years I spent playing it in middle and high school. When we signed up for band at the end of our 5th grade year, I started out with another instrument.  Mr. Pinsak, who was the director of the band at the time, convinced my Mom that the trumpet was the way to go. I really wanted to play clarinet, but we both felt that he knew what he was talking about so that's what I did.

When we got to band in 6th grade, Mr. Pinsak was not there anymore.  Our director was Joe Nanney. I was not good.  I tried and tried but could not get the hang of it. One reason is I just couldn't get my mouth to work the way a trumpet player's should.  I sounded like some kind of dying goose and could barely get any notes out.  I ended up in the bottom tier of the trumpet section. Also, my heart was not in it. I wanted to play the clarinet.  After a month or so, I convinced my parents and Mr. Nanney that this was not for me and I should try the clarinet.  Everyone agreed because it was obvious that I was not happy.  And it was obvious that I was not good.  

I was so excited to get my new instrument.  That first day, I practiced for three hours after school.  It felt right.  I could handle this one.  And I was able to get actual notes out this time.  Being a piano player as well, my fingers enjoyed the different patterns required of the clarinet.  I practiced for hours each day for weeks.  I eventually went from last chair trumpet to first chair clarinet. I had found my musical motivation. I remained in the top section of clarinets through the rest of my school days.  When I was a freshman in high school, I was up for first chair right off the bat.  I lost that to Elizabeth Hargett, who was honestly better than I was.  Then she lost first chair to Christ Crumpton who would stop at nothing to be first chair.  Ah, the good old days of band.

I was never soloist material.  The times I was first chair, I always passed on solos which was fine with me.  Being a good musician is different than being a good soloist.  I didn't mind and it took lots of pressure off of me.  But I loved my time in band and I loved playing the clarinet.  I should find mine and get it out to see if I can still make it work.  It's out in the garage somewhere!  Good memories. 

Keeping my mental health on a good path

 

I will be the first to admit that my mental health has been on a roller coaster the last few months.  Some days are good, and some days are not. Given all that is going on right now, I feel that my roller coaster ride is appropriate and do not need to give any explanation or excuse for it.  However, I am trying to do things to keep my mental health in as good a state as is possible.  In order to become the person that I know that I can be and that I want to be, having good mental health is a key element to that.  Not saying that I cannot and will not have bad days.  Everyone does.  And anyone who says they do not are probably hiding the truth.  I won't say it's lying because that just sounds negative, and everyone deals with life differently.  That is what makes us all unique. 

Lots of things that I post about are all helping to keep my mental health intact.  My daily challenges, for example.  I read my daily devotion each morning and it is an excellent way to look at my career path and know that I am on the right track with that. I have also cut back on my time on the internet.  Many of my profiles have been either deleted or made unavailable by myself.  I was spending way too much time in this world of fantasy.  That is ok because I needed that during covid.  However, it is time to get back into life and not spending hours being someone I am truly not is quite a relief.  I also work hard to keep my Facebook page as positive as can be. I do not live with my head in the sand, and I am well aware of the atrocities occurring in our nation right now.  I have made my Facebook page a place where people can go and know that they can escape all of the horrors for at least a few moments.  People may think me a Pollyanna for that and so be it.  

Finding ways to ease the strain and stress of daily life is key to my happy existence.  I am happy to take any suggestions you have to incorporate into this process for me.  Now that the weather is getting nicer, being outdoors is one thing I look forward to.  I do not get outside much but it's time that I start.  Anyway, I truly am feeling better each day.  I know that I have days that are very rough for me, and I hate that sometimes social media is my only outlet for letting go of that.  I try not to, but it does sneak in from time to time. Such as life.  If it helps me to deal with things and move on, so be it. I am looking forward to a more consistent, better outlook on life.  And, as we all well know, that is not an easy thing to accomplish these days.  But I can do it.

That is all. 

Fernando - Abba

 Abba put out a lot of great pop music in their day. This gem from 1976 is my favorite of all of Abba's tunes.  A fun way to start the day!  Enjoy

Daily Challenge for April

 While I am continuing my daily challenges from previous months, this month I am going to challenge myself to read every day.  And that does not mean my homework because that will not start until next month!  I have so many books that I own that I need to read.  This challenge will help me with that. And I enjoy reading. It's not something I enjoyed very much when I was growing up.  And rarely did I enjoy a book because it was required reading in middle school or high school.  There are a few exceptions such as The Great Gatsby and The Good Earth.  But I have amassed a nice collection of books and it's time I take advantage of them.  It will be a form of entertainment that is incredibly cheap LOL  And a good escape from these troubled times. Hopefully it will also inspire me to start writing again.  Not that I want to write a book, but I do love creative writing and have not done any in years.  We shall see!

Matthew 6:14

 

Today's Moment of Mindfulness

 

Whenever you are going out, remember to say goodbye to everyone who's present, giving them your full attention and love.

A house vs. a home

 

There is no question that I love stuff.  I love my stuff, and I love collecting.  I have now for 40 years.  And I have a lot of stuff and do not regret any antiques and collectibles purchase that I have made.  And I use my stuff. That's part of the fun of having it.  I look back at the hours I spent growing up and going to houses and just looking at the stuff.  Aunt Sara's house, Aunt Billie's house, Grandmother's etc. And our home on Brookgreen Drive as well.  I would occupy myself for hours, sometimes days, just going through the stuff because I thought it interesting.  And it was.  I would learn the history behind things and document it either in my mind or on paper. I still do that.

But as I grow older, I am realizing a big difference in my house and theirs.  Now, I am not going to say this because it is a bad reflection on myself, but it is more of a starting point.  The difference to me is that their houses were truly homes.  Mine's still just a house.  Those houses were filled with memories of people and occasions and daily life.  While I have some of those things as well, it is not the same yet.  Their homes were comfortable, and people often just visited for no reason other than to just visit.  That doesn't happen anymore much these days. I would like to see that change.  While, yes, I do have birthday parties and Sunday dinners here occasionally, I want my house to be a place people want to come and just be.  A place where people are comfortable just sitting and talking if nothing else.  A place that I can share my stuff with them.  It may not make sense how I'm articulating this, but it definitely makes sense in my mind. 

Bottom line, I want my house to be more of a home. It takes many things to make a home, and I am working on that, one piece at a time. Stop by sometime and sit a spell and visit! That is all. 

Capstone Update

 

This past weekend, I finished up my capstone proposal and got it submitted to my professor.  Now, I play the waiting game.  While I was quite nervous about the proposal when I was writing it, now I find myself pretty calm about it. It's not as if I am not nervous about it, but I have decided that I will accept whatever the decision is.  Hopefully the proposal will be accepted.  It's possible it could be accepted with rewrites. Or it may be rejected.  Either way, I will be fine and move forward.  If it is rejected, then I will do it all again next year.  I am ok with that.  It would not be ideal, but things could be worse.  

I should hear by tomorrow, so now it is just a waiting game. Wish me luck!

Quote of the Week

 

Yesterday at work, I received a compliment from one of my insurance vendors that I work with. It was a great feeling. The people in my department work very hard together and we have a great time.  It shows and it's hearing the good things that make it worth it all. 

Thought of the Day

 

I often wonder what this country would be like if people were kinder to each other.  People often say that kindness costs nothing, but I disagree.  For some people, kindness takes a lot of time and effort.  Not everyone is inherently kind. It is like hate in a way.  Not everyone is inherently hateful.  You have to be taught to hate, just as you have to be taught kindness.  Often the examples set for us are not ideal anymore because kindness has fallen by the wayside for many people.  Replaced with greed and not letting anyone stand in their way of success...whatever that means anymore. It works both ways:  hateful people can do kind things and kind people can do hateful things.  Nothing and no one are perfect.  I just think that if we started to take the time to make more of an effort to be kind, the world would be a better place.

That is all.