thought for the day

Social anxiety can be very tiring, just like any other kind of anxiety and/or depression.  The thing that gets me about it is that i don't always know when it's going to happen and to what extent it happens.  Sometimes, i can cope with it, other times i cannot.  Oh well.  Last weekend, we went out of town with some friends up to the mountains.  There were a few people there that i did not know and i was worried beforehand about having an attack.  Luckily, i did not have one and we all had a great time, other than getting stung by a wasp....good times lol  But last night, Michael and i had dinner with a friend and i started to get very withdrawn the longer that the dinner went on.  As the dinner conversation progressed, i started realizing that i did not have much to contribute to the topics at hand and really didn't have any interesting topics of my own to talk about, so i started to get very introverted in my head.  It took almost all of my energy to keep myself focused and engaged, even though i was not participating.  i really did have a nice time at dinner, but once it was over, i was exhausted.

i did get a little depressed last night about it, but nothing beyond my control.  Oh well, that's life.

thought for the day

i hate being depressed....not that anyone particularly enjoys it haha.  Today's better than yesterday at least.  Winter weather always throws me off and even tho this last storm was not nearly as bad as it could've been, it still stressed me out and took me down that road into feeling bad.  Ah, well.

i think i need to learn some techniques to cope with this.  Sometimes it only takes one small thing to get me depressed.  Sometimes it's big things.  i don't always know it's going to happen, but sometimes i can see the triggers and at least try to get myself out of the situation.  Easier said than done most times though.

i know that part of it is the patterns i get myself into.  i had plans for this week.  Things i wanted to do to fill my time and get out of the routine.  Through no one's fault but my own, i fall back into doing the same things every night and that weighs down on my spirit.  One of the bad parts about not really having any kind of social circle is that i get more and more isolated.  And then i revert to doing what's most comfortable and familiar at the expense of change and improvement.

Michael works tonight and i have no plans.  As per usual, i will probably end up sitting in front of the computer in an attempt to reach out to people i will never really meet.  Who knows, maybe i'll watch a movie instead.

We shall see

thought for the day

i realize that everyone has a different way to deal with the mysteries and tragedies of the world.  One of those ways being using humor to cope, which i believe can be very beneficial at times.  However, there can often be a fine line between humorous and tasteless.

The reason i bring this up is because i've gotten very tired of all of the "funny" pictures on Facebook over the last few days making jokes at the expense of the missing Malaysian airplane.  One or two was ok, albeit on the tacky side, but now it seems that i see several different ones almost hourly.  Enough is enough, people.  This flight may never be found.  And we don't know what kind of hell the passengers went through or are still going through.  And what if someone i knew, or you knew, was on that flight.  Would you enjoy being repeatedly disrespected in that way?  i know i wouldn't.

Of course, we don't know what kind of tasteless drawings and jokes went around the world at our expense when we faced tragedy in this country.  i'm sure they were out and about and i am, for one, thankful that i did not see them.

i'm not calling anyone specific out for posting or reposting any of these pictures.  It's your page, not mine and you are free to do with it whatever you want.  i just, personally, am starting to think it's a bit much, that's all.  The disappearence of this airplane is very scary and potentially even scarier if we ever discover what actually happened.  i only pray there will be some kind of happy ending and that we, as a world, can unite in good for a change.  That's all.

thought for the day

i realize that i know and want to be more open to new things, experience and people.  i've dug myself into a social hole for so long that if i'm not open to these kinds of things, i will never get out of that hole.  However, i also need to respect my own limits and understand that i'm not going to enjoy everything and everyone.  And everyone isn't going to enjoy me either, and that's ok!

Yesterday, we went and hung out with some friends.  A very nice mix of people we knew and people we didn't know.  All in all, a great bunch of guys.  After sitting around and talking for a good while, the host decided it was time to play some games.  Now, i enjoy most games.  i love board games, card games, crosswords, etc.  However, i do not like parlor games.  Anytime i have to get up and act things out or perform tasks, i do not enjoy anymore.  And that's odd, having been in theatre lol  But when i play these kinds of games, i put so much pressure on myself and i start to withdraw.  So, when i started getting that way yesterday, i simply excused myself and left the room for awhile, until they were finished.  i recognized that i was starting to get internal, so i took myself out of the situation and went to relax.  And it worked.  i still had a wonderful time with everyone.  Next time, though, i say we play Scrabble!

thought for the day

i fight with myself a lot over trying to to focus too much on what's lacking in life.  i think it is important to appreciate what you have and be grateful for it.  And i'm grateful for many things in my life.  i have a decent paying job that i enjoy for the most part, a partner who i love, a supportive family, a place to live, sweet dog, etc.  But i'm finding that the thing i'm missing most right now in my life is the daily presence of a best friend.

i don't really like the term "best friend" because i have a whole group of what can be called my best friends.  That one person who, for a period of time, i was connected with in real time on a daily basis.  In high school, my best friend was Tanya.  In college, Jennifer.  After college, Danielle.  Then Jason.  Then Charles.  i'm still friends with all of them and do consider them all to be my best friends.

What i'm lacking right now is the daily absence of someone objective in my life.  Someone to bounce ideas off of or tell my feelings to.  i realize now how important having someone like that is.  So, if you have it in your life right now, cherish it.  There are people that i'm in contact with every day, mostly via text or Facebook, but that's not nearly the same thing.  And while those mediums are great, it's just not quite the same thing.  Sometimes when things get to be too much, it would be nice to have someone to talk to and see and tell things to.  Maybe soon.

And don't get me wrong...i have wonderful friends all over the place...i just don't see them on a regular basis, which is partly my own fault.  It's one thing i need to make some changes to and soon if i'm going to survive life and not go crazy!

Today's recipe - Macaroni & Beet Salad

1 package (7 ounces) shell macaroni, cooked and drained
1 package (10 ounces) frozen peas, cooked and drained
1/4 cup diced celery
1/4 cup diced onion
2 cans (16 ounces each) diced beets, drained
1 cup mayonnaise
salt and pepper to taste

Combine all ingredients in a large bowl.  Cover and refrigerate for several hours or overnight.  16 servings.

i love macaroni salads, so when i found this recipe, i was excited to try it.  It's better after it's had time to sit overnight.  We thoroughly enjoyed it and i will definitely be making this again.  i think that the next time i might try and use Miracle Whip instead just to give it that extra zip.  Enjoy!