Today, i have decided to start with a blank canvas. i am not putting any expectations on myself today. i am just going to go with the flow and see what happens. When i woke up this morning, my first thought was not "Time to get up" or "i need coffee". It was "i feel depressed again." i decided right there that i was not going to let that feeling dominate me today. i am going to fight it with all of my being. That will be tough, but i am determined to work through it and beat it.
There are certain things i know i need to try and get done today, if for no other reason than they will make me feel better. i have to do some cleaning....it's amazing how things build up quickly, especially in an older home. i have to list more items on Ebay and different places. i need to do something to enjoy this beautiful, albeit hot, Sunday.
i keep looking back at my parents and my Grandmother and i try to figure out how they were all able to make it work. Every life seems to have its ups and downs, but i do not remember them ever suffereing from any kind of depression. Sadness, yes, but depression, no. If they did, they managed to hide it from us very well. Even when Mom was sick, i cannot recall her getting depressed. Maybe that's because she still had the job of being a mom to do and that helped to get her through. When it comes down to it, that is what i need right now. Not to be a mom lol, but to have a purpose. i do not feel like i have one really.
Earlier this week, i filled in for the delivery driver at the bakery early one morning. i was so happy to do it because it got me out of the house and around people. Sure, my check will be incredibly small, but money is money. And it was just good to have something to do and feel like i was being productive. Same with my volunteer work this week. It was nice to be needed, and to do a good job. That's always such a great sense of accomplishment for me.
So, needless to say, my job search continues. i have actually gotten one response back and i hope that it comes through, even though that is also a temporary position. It will be nice to get that experience. i will keep applying to places and see what happens. Sometimes it gets very frustrating to think that i spent 16 years with a company that, while the experience and the people were wonderful, it left me with almost no marketable skills. So, i need to build that back up.
Anyway, today i am starting with a blank canvas. i will see what happens.
Blessings to you all
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