Thought of the Day

 

The other day, I made a post on Facebook that I have been dissatisfied with my life lately.  And that is true. There are things in my life that I am quite happy about.  I have an amazing family.  I love my job. I love my little house.  I have a few good friends in my life.  But, somehow, when I add it all up it does not equal something fulfilling to me.  There are things missing I just am not sure what they are.  I know what they could be, but I do not know if those things would make me happier with my life.

I do not connect enough in real time with people.  I am working on that and when I am able to spend time with people, it is wonderful and then I come crashing down because it so rarely happens that I feel isolated. I don't really know how to make those connections.  Social anxiety is a bitch, and I hate that it plagues me. I don't go out to bars anymore, not because I think I'm too old for that, but because I just sit there and don't have it in me to try to make conversation with anyone. I would love to find a church that checks off all of the spiritual boxes that I need but I have not yet found one. And, honestly, most churches I have either been to or watched streaming all have points in their services where they ask the congregation to introduce themselves to the newcomers around them.  That petrifies me.  Ah, well.

I'm single and I always will be.  When I find someone interested, they are often far away....like another country LOL I have dated a few times since being single and it hasn't changed.  I have the "you're a nice guy but..." speech memorized and if I had a quarter for every time I got the "family emergency" excuse I could retire. So, right now it is not worth the effort to me. I have had two long term relationships, and I have learned a great deal from both of them.  Because of that, I will not settle for less than what I exactly want.  That does not mean I can't make concessions, but that is a two-way street, not the one way I went down both times. I have relearned a lot about myself over the past few years and I will not sacrifice that for someone else's happiness.  

I have things in my life that I find incredibly fun but no one around to share it with really. I cook but I rarely share my meals with anyone. I love music but don't have anyone to call up and say "Let's listen to some Mantovani".  Kids today won't know that because Mantovani isn't autotuned.  I may be too old fashioned for my own good.  Basically, fear of rejection has caused a mostly isolated life outside of work and I feel like the quality of my life has declined. 

I will hopefully figure some things out and be happier about life.  We shall see.