My favorite Christmas present i ever gave

One of the joys for me during the holiday season is the art of Christmas shopping.  Like most people, i try to start early.  Sometimes i am successful, sometimes not.  But, for me, there is nothing like finding that unique perfect gift.  Something that no one suspects because i've been paying attention to the little details of peoples' lives.  Some of my gifts have been spot on, others not as much, but they all still give me a great sense of joy.

This one starts actually over 100 years ago...some history is needed.  In 1907 or 08, i'm not sure which, my great uncle, Bunyan Yates Tyner, was to be installed as the new head of the Wingate school...which later became Wingate University.  He was the 2nd head of the school.  My great aunt Mary Lee Bivens was sent to meet his train.  It was love at first sight, literally, and he proposed to her that same day.  They were married in 1909 in the Meadow Branch Baptist Church.  Despite the church being 100 years old at the time, they were the first couple married in the church.  And they were married well over 60 years before Bunyan's death in the early 70's.  However, during their engagement, Bunyan gave Mary Lee, instead of a diamond ring, he gave her a beautiful gold and pearl broach.  Odd choice, i must say, but apparently it worked.

When Aunt Mary Lee broke up housekeeping and moved in with my Aunt Sara a few years after her husband's death, she took many things with her to the homeplace in Wingate and divided everything else among her other siblings and nieces and nephews.  My Mom's oldest cousin, Margaret Carroll Sanford, wanted several of Mary Lee's things.  And, being the oldest, she tended to get what she liked.  She got a tilt top table, a Tiffany lamp, and the engagement pin.  Mom and Margaret were very close and over the years, Margaret promised to leave her most of her jewelry after her death.  When she died, she had not put those things in her will and Mom did not get them.  Whether or not Margaret's husband George knew about it, i don't know.

About 16 years later, after Margaret's death in the early 80's, George called to ask Mom if she wanted the table and a pie safe, both being family pieces.  His health had declined and was in a wheelchair, so he needed to get rid of some things so that he could maneuver around his house.  Of course, Mom was delighted to have them and a friend of ours living in FL had graciously offered to pick the items up and bring them to us when he came home to NC for the holidays.

Late the next summer, George's wife Ruth called Mom to let us know that George had passed away.  We met Ruth once on a trip to Florida we took when i was in the 2nd grade.  i did not remember much about Ruth other than she was very nice and looked an awful lot like Margaret had.

That fall, i was a senior in high school.  After Thanksgiving was when i normally started thinking about my Christmas shopping list.  And, for some reason, it occurred to me to write to Ruth and see if she was willing to sell me Aunt Mary Lee's broach.  i knew that both Mom and Grandmother really wanted to have it back in the family and so i felt that there was no harm in trying.  i did not have a great deal of money, but i certainly wasn't going to ask her to just give it away.

A few weeks went by and i didn't hear anything.  Oh well.  On the last day of school before winter break, some friends and i decided to drive to Charlotte to do some Christmas shopping, which was good because Mom was still without a gift from me.  That day, Mom was having her board of directors, staff and volunteers to our house for a holiday luncheon.  After school, i called her to let her know that we were going to Charlotte.  The first thing she said to me was "Bob, why in the world would you be getting a package, registered mail, from Ruth Sanford?"  i immediately got excited and told her to wait and that i would be home in a few minutes.

i drove as fast as i could. When i got home, Mom, Grandmother and a few of Mom's friends were cleaning up after their party.  Sitting on the kitchen table was my package from Ruth.  Before i opened it, i asked Mom and Grandmother to sit down at the table with me. i opened the box just enough to see what was inside.  There was a very old burgandy velvet jewelry box.  i cracked it open just so i could make sure it was what i was hoping.  Then, i put the box down and told them what i had done.  i took the jewelry box out of the package and presented it to Mom.  When she opened it, both she and Grandmother about fell out of their chairs.  They could not believe that i'd had the gumption to ask Ruth for the pin.  Needless to say, they were both ecstatic to have it returned to the family.  And Ruth sent a lovely note wishing all of us a Merry Christmas and how glad she was to return the pin...and did not want any money for it.

That was my favorite gift i ever gave my Mom for Christmas

Christmas thought for the day

Last night i sat and watched a Christmas concert on PBS Roku. Not having "real" cable, we only get a few channels and finding holiday offerings on the channels we do get are few and far between.  It was a wonderful concert, the St. Olaf Choir performing in a cathedral in Norway. i do love good choral music and their choirs are among the best in the world.

One reason i enjoyed it so much is because it was something i would have sat down and watched with Grandmother. The holidays are definitely one time of the year when the absence of Mom and Grandmother are heightened. But so many memories flood back that it is almost a catch 22.  i both cherish and despise it.  Christmas is, no matter what i seem to do, one of those holidays that will never be as good as it use to be.  Don't get me wrong, i still enjoy it immensely, but it is a time of year that nostalgia definitely overtakes me and i am living in the memories of wonderful Christmases past.

One of the hardest things about the holidays, consistently, is that it is the one time of year that i regret not having children.  It is truly a holiday for children and i feel somewhat left out.  i had always dreamed of seeing the faces on my children's faces on Christmas morning after Santa had been there. The thrill of buying that just perfect gift that they want, thinking they won't get it and seeing the surprise when Santa comes through with it.  Filling up their Christmas stockings with fun silly things. Finding the hiding places in the house to store Santa's haul. It wasn't until years after Mom died that Dad told us where they had always hidden most of our Christmas gifts....the trunk that i now use as a coffee table.

And i do feel left out of a certain joy of the season. i distinctly remember laying in bed, i was about 4 or 5, and i couldn't sleep on Christmas Eve because i was so excited. i just knew i was hearing Santa's sleigh bells outside. i gazed out the windows for what seemed like hours until i finally fell asleep.  And sure enough, when i woke up the next morning, Santa had been there. It was just such a wonderful feeling and i can only imagine the joy my parents felt.  It must have been something.  But, that is how life goes.  I suppose using my imagination is better than nothing.

thought for the day

The first step for me not to feel defeated is to find the root of the problem.  That will take some doing, and some counseling/therapy I imagine.  But, if that's what it takes, that's what it takes!

As much as I want to succeed in school, there is something holding me back.  Something very defeatist within me and I do not like it.  I am going to have to explore my past and my psyche and find out what it is.  That is a scary place to be.

Today, I had a panic attack.  Again.  I have been having them for awhile, especially since fall break.  I am having a hard time making it all work and keeping up with everything.  Yes, that is ok because I have not been a student since 1999.  Things have changed drastically.  And having spent 16 years with the same company, basically doing the same thing day after day, everything was so routine that I could do it blindfolded.  And that, honestly, is one of the reasons why we parted ways, which is a good thing.  But now, trying to adapt to school has had its rough moments.

Panic attacks suck.  Heart is pounding, feeling the walls close in.  Can't function.  Today I got so worked up that I dry heaved and had to come home.  I know some of the reasons this is happening, but I must explore further if I am going to survive.

A long, hot bath is in order tonight.

Cheers

recipe of the week - sausage gravy

This is an easy, tasty and filling way to start your day.  i tried this for the first time yesterday and it turned out pretty good, so i thought i would share!

16 oz sausage
2 tbsp flour
2 cups of milk
black pepper

Brown the sausage over medium heat.  With a slotted spoon, remove the sausage onto a papertowel to drain, but leaving the drippings in the pan.  Add the flour into the pan with a whisk, mixing it into the drippings.  Slowly whisk in the milk.  Bring the mixture to a boil (i increased the heat at this stage to reduce cooking time)  Once it's boiling, add the sausage back into the pan.  Reduce heat and let simmer 2 to 3 minutes.  Add some black pepper to taste. Serve over biscuits or whatever else you desire!

a theatre memory....my first Broadway show

i remember going to see my first Broadway show like it was yesterday.  When i was in high school, our local community theatre group, the Union County Players, organized a trip to New York in the fall of 1992, my senior year.  The idea for the trip began when my friend Kim Russell, who i had done a show with the year before, thought i needed to go to NYC and experience it.  So, the trip started being planned.  i think about 30 people ended up going.  But, honestly, there were no group activities...we all did our own thing.  i think it was a "group" trip because as a group we got a discount on our hotel rooms lol

Anyway, i was determined to see as much as i could.  We would be there three full days and i managed to see 5 shows.  But the first one i saw was really the one i wanted to see most....The Secret Garden.  We flew into NYC on Thursday morning and Kim and i were attending the Thursday matinee of TSG.  i was so excited.  i had loved the clips of TSG on the 1990 Tony awards.  i bought the cast recording as soon as it came out.  i was hooked and ready to go!

We arrived at the St. James Theatre before the doors were open to let us in.  We were waiting in the lobby's ante room, which was small and packed with other tourists.  Of course, i thought that was the actual lobby and was kind of disappointed.  However, my spirits perked back up when we looked at the seating chart.  Our seats were on row AA, so i had assumed that meant we were on the 27th row.  WRONG!!!!  Row AA was the first row and we were in the center seats.  Front row, center at my first Broadway show.

After we were let into the lobby, we looked around at all of the souvenirs for sale...and there were lots.  i still have most of the ones i bought during that trip.  We made our way into the theatre and sat down.  The orchestra was warming up and i was close enough that i could have touched the conductor.  i was tempted, but i didn't do it.  i remember the house lights going down and the hairs on my arms standing up...i was so excited.  The orchestra hit the first chords of the show and there she was, Rebecca Luker.  She was one of the few original cast members left in the show.  She portrayed Lily, Mary's aunt...a ghost.  In that first moment of the show, she is seated in a picture frame high above the stage, behind a scrim.  The lights hit her and she began to sing..."Clusters of crocus, purple and gold"  i really was in heaven.

The next 2+ hours were some of the most thrilling in my life.  i had never seen anything like it before.  Yes, i had seen a few national tours come through Charlotte, but this was different.  This was a Broadway musical ON Broadway.  i was totally captivated.  Being that it was a Thursday matinee, several understudies were on but that did not matter.  Everyone in the show was wonderful.  And the audience was filled mostly with children, who i must admit were extremely well behaved.

One of the amazing elements of this production, besides the score, was Heidi Landesmann's exquisite scenery.  She turned the St James Theatre into a Victorian child's toy theatre.  And she won a Tony award for her design as well.

It was a glorious afternoon.  My first one in NYC.  As soon as the show was over, we went back to the hotel and i told Mom all about it and insisted that she go and see it, which she did on the Saturday matinee.  i was definitely on cloud nine!!

There have been many firsts in my life, but this is one of my most cherished.

thought for the day

It's always interesting to me, when i'm perusing Facebook or other websites where i have profiles, that people looking for friends have age limits set to their standards.  Now, i understand wanting to have a social group close to one's age.  That's just natural.  But, why limit yourself?  Truly?  It IS possible to have friends of all ages.

When i was growing up, i always had friends...different circles of friends.  Neighborhood friends, school friends, church friends...all different ages.  Sometimes they intermingled and that was nice.  But, i also had other friends as well...older friends.  i, as most of you know, was very close to my Grandmother.  But she was more than just a Grandmother to me.  Blood made us relatives, life made us friends.  Some of my parents' coworkers became dear people in my life.  Great friends that i learned many valuable things from.  One great advantage to having older friends is that many have experienced things that you have and can help to guide you or simply be there for you because they understand what you're going through.

My point being, why put an age limit on friends?  Older friends often act younger than they are and younger friends are sometimes mature far beyond their years.  If you truly define people based on a number, just remember that one day you will be that number (or have been that number already) and what if someone doesn't want your friendship based on that alone?  It won't feel good, definitely.

Cheers

thought for the day

it's been a very up and down past few days.  i finally came to the realization on Friday that i've been extremely depressed for the past few weeks and didn't really acknowledge it until now.  Friday night i had a break down of sorts and let a lot of things out that i'd kept bottled up for the past few weeks.  On the one hand, i'm glad that i finally got things out.  On the other hand, i'm disappointed that i let them bottle up inside me.  Oh well.  Saturday was much better and today will be even better.

i just need to regain control over my life.  i've never been good at that, being in control of things concerning myself.  But, it's time i learned to do that.  i'm going to be starting classes in one week and this transition has been scary.  i've got a lot to learn about college in the digital age and i hope i can keep up.  We shall see.  Lately, i've just let too many things and too many excuses get in the way of my well being and that has got to stop.  If it doesn't, it'll kill me.....literally.  So, now it is time to devise a plan for myself and make myself adhere to it.  Keep your fingers crossed!

Cheers

recipe of the week - shrimp dip

This is a good, cold dip that can be thrown together quickly.  i made it for the first time today and really like it!

8 oz sour cream
16 oz cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup mayo
1 can of shrimp, drained
2 tbsps of parsley
1 envelope of onion soup mix

blend all ingredients together and chill for at least 1 hour before serving.  Serve with crackers, chips, pita, etc.

thought for the day

i really want to work on my communication skills.  One thing that irritates me about technology is that sometimes it makes things too easy not to get back to people.  Especially with having Facebook and texts on my phone.  i often miss messages on FB between my phone and the computer and it'll be several days or even weeks before i return a message.  Same with texts.  If i'm busy doing something in real time, sometimes texts slide through the cracks and i don't respond immediately.  Then, of course, it either hurts people's feelings or pisses them off.  i know, because i can be the same way when i'm on the other side of an unanswered message.  i don't mean to be rude, but technology has made it a lot easier it seems.

Now, i just have to figure out how to control it.  If you know me, you know i'm not a big phone talker.  There's not much that i would care less to do than to talk on the phone.  There's always that uncomfortable feeling of having to come up with things to talk about during that lag in the conversation...and it drives me crazy.  When i was in my 20s, and ruined....completely ruined my credit....i got into the habit of not answering the phone simply because of collectors calling.  That really turned me off to things.  i realize that i must get better at talking on the phone, simply because it's a fact of life and i need to do it.  We shall see.

And letters.  i need to write more actual letters.  Not emails.  i use to love getting mail that wasn't a bill.  It's definitely a dying art form and i'd like to start bringing it back.  Even though emails are very convenient and appropriate at times, things like birthday cards and letters just to say hello are still very special.  At least, i think they are.  After all, you can't scrapbook an e-card!

Well, i will figure something out...it will just take time.

thought for the day

i feel like i'm at war with my house. 

Ever since i was let go from my job, i've spent way too much time at home.  i have had a list of projects to work on, but have not really succeeded at getting any of them done.  Most days, all i do is go from room to room and look around, staring at what needs to be done.  Making a mental list, but doing nothing to cross those items off of the list.  And the longer the list gets, the less effort i have to get any of it done and then i spiral into a feeling of worthlessness, which leads to depression, etc.  It's a vicious cycle, to be sure.

This past weekend we went to see Michael's family.  It's always a good time.  i get envious of his parents house, though.  Everything has it's place.  It's well put together.  You know exactly where everything is suppose to go.  i always think, while i'm there, that the house is so comfortable, so unlike the chaotic mess that is our house.  i think of things to do to our house and ideas for it while i'm there, but once i get home....nothing. 

It's almost like the house is sucking the energy out of me.  i know what needs to be done, but i cannot seem to get myself to do it.  But, i know, if we wish to remain here, i cannot let these feelings defeat me.  i have to work through them and get on the ball about things.  i do better when things are neat and orderly, i just have a difficult time maintaining that.  i just have to figure out a better plan of action.

Any ideas would be helpful.

Cheers

Recipe of the week - Pound cake

I made this a few weeks ago from a recipe I found on Facebook.  It turned out quite well, i must admit.  Since i cannot find Mom's pound cake recipe, i've been searching for one of my own. While it's not as good as hers, it came pretty close and i'll be baking this one again!

Cream Cheese Pound Cake

1&1/2 cups butter, softened
1 8oz package of cream cheese, softened
6 eggs
3 cups of sugar
1&1/2 tsp vanilla extract
3 cups flour
1/8 tsp salt

Beat butter and cream cheese about 2 minutes or until creamy.  Gradually add sugar, beating 5 to 7 minutes.  Add eggs, one at a time, beating just until the yellow disappears.  Add Vanilla, mixing well. Combine flour and salt.  Gradually add to butter mixture, beating at low speed until just blended after each addition. Pour batter into a greased and floured 10" tube pan.  Bake at 300 for 1 hour and 30 minutes until a toothpick or knife inserted into the cake comes out clean.  Cool on a wire rack for 10-15 minutes.  Remove cake from pan and cool completely.

Helpful hint:  Fill an oven proof bowl or measuring cup with 2 cups of water and place in the oven while the cake is baking to help keep it moist.

Thought for the day

i've finally come to accept the fact that i'm more of a loner than a social person.  i come by it naturally, my dad is the same way.  My mom wasn't tho, and it seems that the older i get the more like my dad i become.  And that's not a bad thing at all.

For a while now, i've been beating myself up for not having a social life.  i honestly thought that there was something wrong with me and that's why hardly anyone ever wanted to hang out (there are a few exceptions to that of course).  It made social media very hard.  Seeing people that i know doing things together, going places, eating out, etc....all the time i'm sitting at home on FB to watch all of it LOL  But, now i realize that that is ok.  i actually prefer staying at home and trying, note i said trying, to get things done.  It's nice to be in my own space and spending time with Michael and Squirt.  i will especially miss the time with Squirt once school starts.

However, this doesn't mean i want to be a hermit.  i still enjoy entertaining and plan to do more.  i'm just no longer going to pressure myself into being something i'm not because i think it will make people like me.  People already like me and i must remember that.  So, there you go.

Cheers!

Day 38

Wow, the time really has flown by.  And i've still yet to get anything major accomplished around the house.  Oh well LOL  But, i do have some good news coming, but i'll do that later.  Change is good and i must embrace it otherwise i will never move forward.

i did have a little meltdown earlier this week and i apologize for anyone who had to witness it.  Sometimes i do get down and negative.  But that's just life.  A little part of me feels bad when i get like that and post things online, but i'd much rather do that than keep it all bottled inside, which i did will all emotions for about 6 years and it sucks!

For a while now, our circle of friends here in Greensboro has diminished....almost completely vanished.  Not to say that we are not friends with any of the people anymore, most of them just no longer live here.  And sometimes it gets really really lonely.  Especially since i've been unemployed.  And yes, sometimes i get bitter when i see people post on Facebook that they're just around the corner or only a few blocks away.  And i guess when i'm not invited to the party, i get sad.  Oh well.

We have a lot of great friends all over the state that we see when we can.  Just not many friends or even social acquaintances here in town.  Hopefully that will change soon.  We shall see

Recipe of the week - Onion Pie

We first had this dish at my brother and sister in law's house over a Thanksgiving holiday several years ago.  We immediately loved it and i asked Heidi for the recipe, which she gladly gave to me.  And now, i'm sharing it with you!  Enjoy!

30 saltines
1 stick of butter, melted
3 cups thinly sliced vidalia onions
1/4 cup sharp grated cheddar cheese
1 1/2 cups of milk
3 eggs
1/2 tsp salt

- Crush saltine crackers and place in a shallow casserole dish (9x13).  Pour melted butter over crackers.
- Saute 3 cups of thinly sliced vidalia onions in butter until golden brown
- Pour over crackers
- Sprinkle grated cheese on top of the onions

This can be made ahead of time

Once ready to bake:
- Scald milk
- Add scalded milk to 3 beaten eggs
- Add salt

- Pour over onion & cheese mix
- Bake at 350 for 30 min or until it's set

10 things you don't know about me...#10

Christmas music and movies

i listen to Christmas music and watch holiday movies all year round.  It's my favorite time of year, even when i was working and didn't get to enjoy it as much as i use to.  And, as Michael's not a huge fan of the music, i don't play it much at home during the holidays unless i have some alone time in the house.  So, i don't get to hear it as much as i'd like when it's in season lol

But for some reason, i take great comfort in it.  i think it's the memories from the wonderful Christmases i had growing up.  Music, at home and at church, was always a big part of the holiday season and i just adored it.  i still have all of the Christmas albums that i heard when growing up. i think my Christmas record collection is about 75 and growing now haha :)

When i get really depressed or worried, and i'm by myself, i'll watch a Christmas movie.  i don't know why, but they always make me happy and that helps get me thru the rough patches.  i remember when Mom's cancer came back, the day we were all at home waiting on the phone call from her doctor to see how bad it was, i was scared to death (this day began my stoic period that lasted about 6 years when i never cried)  So i called my friend Blair who lived down the street and borrowed her copy of White Christmas to watch while we waited.  i don't really know why i wanted to watch it, it was the middle of summer.  But, it made me feel better and i'm glad i did.

Probably not as interesting as you'd hoped, but there you have it!

Day 30

Well, it's been a month since i lost my job.  On one hand, it feels like time has flown by.  On the other hand, it feels like time is dragging lol  Some days good, some bad.  i feel like i've been in mourning in some ways, and in some ways i suppose i have.  Disbelief, anger, bitterness, depression...i've experience all of them over the last month, but then what else is new with me LOL

But, i have survived the month and will continue to survive.  i'm slowly giving up a few things, one at a time, because it will make my life healthier and also be cheaper.  i'm not saying what those things are because that will set me up to fail....i know myself and this is how i do it LOL  This will work best for me.  But, so far so good.

i have a game plan now, though.  i'm seriously considering going back to school and getting a degree.  i didn't get one the first time around and now i have the opportunity, so keep your fingers crossed!  And, if that doesn't pan out just yet, that's ok.  i will find something else to occupy my time for sure.  Oh well.

That's all for right now.

Cheers

Day 18

Last night was bad

For the first time since being let go from my job, i got very depressed. Luckily, i came back to the surface before falling asleep, but not before driving my husband bat shit crazy.  Oh well.  It made me determined that today is going to be better.

i've decided to put myself through some, for lack of a better word, detox. i'm going to give up several of my vices....some permanently, some temporarily.  What those vices are do not matter to anyone but myself.  From a financial, physical and emotional standpoint, it is something i MUST do.  And i am looking forward to the challenge of it all.

Having said that, to the few people who read this (lol), i'm going to need some supervision or what i'd like to call Bobsitting.  For awhile, anyway, i can't be left to my own resources.  If you're not an addict, you may not understand this.  i used to think that addict was a bad word...now i know it's just an adjective, albeit a heavy one.  i have a very addictive personality and i come by in naturally.  Luckily, i never did get addicted to anything illegal, but still, i have my addictions.  Now it's time to conquer those and let some newer, healthier addictions take their places in my life.  We'll see how it goes.  Anyway, back to Bobsitting.  i need to surround myself with people while i'm not job searching.  During the day, at night, whatever.  i'm not really driving much these days so that i can save on gas for my new car.  But, if anyone has some time, come hang out, play games, listen to records, watch a movie, etc.  i could use the support!

Well, that's how i'm feeling today.  Wish me luck!

Day 17

i seem to be off to a slower start this week.  i think my body is catching up with me for all that i have put it through in the last few weeks...and that's a lot, but no need to dwell on that right now.

Today, finally, i went and had the title of my car transferred into my name.  i tried to do it earlier, but the inspection was more than 90 days old, so i had to have it reinspected for a 3rd time since October (long story)  But, it passed.  Then i needed to get new tires because mine were pretty worn down and that cost a pretty penny...yay for tax returns.  Anyway, i spent a good chunk of change today getting the title transferred because i had to pay property tax, which i'd forgotten about.  Let's just say i'm doing nothing for the next few days unless it's free!  And you have to have cash for the notary, which of course, i didn't.  Luckily, they have an atm right there in the License Plate office.  It struck me as funny that they have one, but the big DMV building here in town doesn't....and you have to go across the street to a little convenience store LOL  Oh well, it's done now and i have at least one asset to my name.

And i went by the antiques shop today and got some training for watching the shop, which will start on Thursday.  i'm very much looking forward to it.  i've always loved antiques and working someplace like this will be good for me.  The pay isn't too much, but the experience will be worth it and it will leave my schedule open some for other part time work for the time being. 

Let's see what free things tomorrow has in store.

Day 16

So far, this Monday hasn't been as hard as last one was.  Of course, i didn't just come home from vacation either LOL  And i'm ok with that today haha

Today, while i'm working around the house and making lists of things i need to get done, one list is going to be a resource list.  i'm not on linkedin or whatever that site is called...maybe i should be at this point in the game LOL  But, i need to sit down and figure out who my connections are.  i know an awful lot of people in Greensboro, so it could be a nice big list.  It will come in handy while looking for work, no doubt.

50 reasons for me to quit smoking

1.  my husband
2.  my family
3.  my dog
4.  my overall health
5.  both of my grandmothers buried one of their children, i don't want my Dad to have to do the same
6.  so many recipes i haven't cooked yet
7.  i enjoy Christmas too much not to be around for it
8.  too many friends i haven't seen in years that i want to see again
9.  think of the money i'll save
10.  i want to join a handbell choir

11.  i want to prove to myself i can do it
12.  there's a winning lottery ticket out there for me somewhere
13.  too many people out there i've yet to meet
14.  i love boxing, but it's hard to box when you're a smoker
15.  i haven't had enough sex.
16.  i haven't seen a show on Broadway since 1999
17.  i want to get back to being proficient at the piano
18.  i want to go back to school and get an actual degree
19.  i love seeing flowers bloom in the spring and summer
20.  i want to go to England

21.  i haven't seen Bernadette Peters in concert yet
22.  i have a list of antiques i want and i don't have them yet
23.  i want to workout more
24.  i want to do theater again
25.  i want to see my nieces grow up and get to know them better
26.  the garage really needs attention
27.  i won't honor my Mom by giving up
28.  if Anne Murray comes out of retirement, i wanna be around for it
29.  i still need to learn to swim
30.  i won't smell like an ashtray all of the time

31.  the money i save could go towards actual vacations
32.  i'm stronger than i think i am
33.  i don't want to quit smoking the same way my Mom did
34.  i haven't been to Disney World since 1990 and i want to go back!
35.  i want to learn how to drive a stick shift
36.  i won't have to worry about a low bank account balance as much
37.  i have past lives i want to revisit at some point
38.  i want to see Audra McDonald perform in person
39.  i'm still planning my dream home
40.  people need me, whether or not they realize it

41.  haven't bought enough sterling flatware yet
42.  i'll have more energy
43.  walking Squirt will be so much nicer without a cigarette in hand
44.  my body's telling me it's time
45.  i want to work with an animal rescue group
46.  it's just not as fun as it use to be
47.  i want to travel to the west coast at least once
48.  i haven't written my novel yet
49.  i want grandchildren, ie our nieces and nephew's kids lol
50.  i wanna relearn what it feels like to take a deep breath

10 things you don't know about me...#9

Love in the Lunchroom

When i was in the 4th grade, i began writing a weekly serial/soap opera for my AG class called "Love in the Lunchroom"  i never intended it to be read to the class, but after i wrote the first 3 episodes, i showed them to our teacher, Mrs. Goebel, who immediately read them out loud to the class.  After that, every few weeks or so, i would give her more stories and she would read them to everybody.  Of course, i used all of my friends in the stories, so that was pretty fun and i did enjoy that creative power.  They were a lot of fun to write, but at that age, i didn't know much about the facts of life.  So, one person would become pregnant and then give birth the next episode.  And if you've ever watched a daily soap, that sometimes happens LOL  Still, i really did enjoy it and wrote episodes of "Love in the Lunchroom" for the next two years. i still have all of the handwritten ones saved somewhere in the house....Good times.

i need to write more like that...i miss it :)

Day 14

And here we are...two weeks later...good times

this week's been hard for me...much more up and down than usual...i just haven't had much motivation to get anything done besides be a slave to my vices...but i know that will change...i will survive

Day 11

The morning's are the hardest for me so far.  Between about 7:30 and 9:30 i feel extremely lost.  That's been the time that i get in the car, drive to work and begin my day...helping to get deliveries ready, pulling linens for the day's events, helping the supervisors when i can, working the warehouse before it gets too hot.  Now, i don't really know what to do with myself during that time.  My routine from 7 years in the position has been totally thrown off.  And i know it throws Michael off as well because he's not use to having me home at that time yet.  i'm sure that i will find something to fill the void....exercise maybe, but until i figure that out, it's going to be frustrating.  But, life moves forward and so will i!

i did make myself get in the car yesterday and get out of the house.  i dropped a carload of stuff off at Goodwill, then went grocery shopping.  My first trip to Aldi's, but it definitely won't be my last.  What a great store.  i can't believe it took me so long to try it.  Michael will stop at the one in Burlington on his way home from work sometimes, but i'd never been to one before and we have 3 of them here in Greensboro.  Great savings, i must say.  Even though right now i'm much more conscious of my spending, i know i got my money's worth.

Oh well, the dishwasher's running and i need to start thinking about dinner.  Wish me luck.

Day 9

Yeah, this kinda sucks.  Today's been a frustrating day because i just cannot get myself motivated.  Partly out of boredom, partly out of fear.

We had a great weekend in the mountains of Tennessee, seeing old friends, making new ones, and lounging by the pool.  However, coming back to nothing to do has hit me harder today than any day so far.  At least it's easy to keep up with how many days it's been since my first unemployed day was June 9th LOL  It's the little things.

Day 1

Well, today is, needless to say, weird for me.  This is the first time i've gotten up on a Monday and not had to go to work.  i'm trying very hard to find things to occupy my day, but right now it's difficult. i keep pacing back and forth around the house, opening up cabinets, opening/closing doors, trying to figure out my next move.  Hopefully i will find something to keep my occupied and provide some sense of accomplishment today.  Got some laundry going, so that's a start. 

thought for the day....when friends move up the social ladder

Over the past few weeks, i've been examining how i interact with people.  For the past year or so, it's been through social media mostly. And, while that has its advantages, it's not always the best way as i have learned.  But it has also made me go back and look at my relationships that are not what they use to be and try and figure out what happened.

One of my friendships has been moved to the back burner because we're no longer in the same social class.  Now, as i say that, i in no way mean that we don't care about each other...quite the opposite.  We just no longer move in the same circles anymore.  For years, we communicated with each other every day via text.  And we saw each other 2 to 3 times a week.  Once he got back into the dating scene, that all changed.  i'm glad he's dating and i really do like his boyfriend.  But, that caused him to move into a social bracket of wealthier professional gays that does not include Michael and i.  That's ok, in the long run.  We can't help that we're poor LOL  It does make me miss him though.  We've gone from frequent weekly visits to less than once every two months.  And that makes me sad.

It reminds me of something Mom once told me about some of hers and Dad's friends.  When they were first married and living in Bethel, NC, they had another couple that they had become good friends with.  This friendship lasted for 15-16 years or so.  They had a daughter who was my age and we got together every now and then.  It was always fun.  Then, one night, my parents were invited to go out to dinner with this couple and their friends.  And their friends were now on the wealthy end of the social spectrum.  Apparently, wherever they were going, it was definitely upperclass like a country club or a private supper club.  Mom, choosing comfortability over social "norms", wore pants instead of a long skirt or dress.  As a result, all of the women in the party snubbed Mom and she spend most of the evening with Dad and the other men.  We never saw them again....not even when she died.  That makes me sad too.

i hate how things change sometimes....but, such is life.  Oh well.

Recipe of the week - Pig Picking Cake

I was first introduced to this cake by Rosi Dingman.  Once, while on a visit, she served it for dessert.  i told her how much i enjoyed it and she sat down with me and gave me the recipe.  It's quite easy, but tastes so delicious.  Enjoy!

Pig Picking Cake

1 box Duncan Hines butter cake mix
1/2 cup oil
4 eggs
1 8oz container of Cool Whip
1 11oz can mandarin oranges (do not drain)
1 large can of crushed pineapple (drained)
1 3oz box of instant vanilla pudding

Mix cake mix, oil, eggs and oranges together until well blended.  Pour into four 9" cake pans.  Bake at 325 for 20-25 min.  Cool.  Mix pineapple and pudding.  Add Cool Whip.  Ice cake.

i do 3 layers instead of 4 like she did.  And if you can't find butter cake mix, regular yellow cake mix works as well.  i like it best when it's had some time to sit in the fridge and chill!

thought for the day

After having a nice time at the beach, doing a lot of thinking about life and finishing a very helpful book, i'm going to work very hard not to be the same person i was last week.  i don't want to fall into the same traps and routines that i always do just because it's easy.  i realize that i'm not getting off to a great start because i got up this morning, brewed my coffee and sat and worked a crossword puzzle while listening to NPR.  Oh well.  Still, i've got all day to work on switching a few things up.  Wish me luck!

thought for the day

We're heading out to the beach later today to spend a few days with the family.  i must admit that i'm very much looking forward to the time away from work and spending some quality time with loved ones.  It makes me think back to all of the beach trips my family took when i was growing up.  Those really were such wonderful times and i have great memories from those trips.  Now i'm looking forward to making new memories over the following week.

i'm going to take this opportunity, while being away from my everyday existence, to do a little emotional and physical detoxing.  This is going to be the perfect opportunity to try to quit smoking again.  Yes, i fell off that wagon and it's time that i got back on.  My body is seriously telling me to change, so it's time that i start listening to it.  i need to reclaim what it is like to exist without my vices, so wish me luck.  It will be tough, i know, but it's something i need to do and something i want to do.

And i just need to clear my head of all it's clutter.  i realize that that will take more than a few days, but this is just as good as any time to start.  We shall see how it goes!

10 things you don't know about me...#8

On one side of my family, the Bivens side, i am the youngest great grandchild.  My mom was the youngest grandchild.  My grandmother was the youngest child.

My Grandmother, Dorothy Louise Bivens Laney, was born July 5th, 1909.  She was the youngest of 8 children born to JW and Anna Bivens.  Only 6 of the children made it to adulthood.  There were 23 years separating Grandmother and her oldest sibling, Mary Lee.  In fact, Aunt Mary Lee was married only a little over 3 weeks after Grandmother was born.

My Mom, Mary Bivens Laney Fornes, was born June 3rd, 1944.  She was the youngest of two children, her older brother Bill being born in 1939.  Mom's oldest cousin on the Bivens side was Margaret Carroll, who i believe was about 30 years older than Mom.  But don't quote me on that LOL

i, myself, was born December 5th, 1974.  i am the youngest of two, my older brother Bill being born in 1971.  And i'm the youngest of my Grandmother's 5 grandchildren and the youngest of my Great Grandmother's 15 great grandchildren.

So, there ya go!

10 things you don't know about me...#7

i've never been baptized

When i was growing up, church was an essential part of my life.  i wish it still was and i know it needs to be...something to work on this year.  However, in all of those years going to church multiple times every week, i was never baptized.

When i was very young, i didn't join the church because i was afraid of water.  Baptists are dunkers and i was scared to death of going under water.  i still don't particularly enjoy it and avoid it when i can.  i let that fear keep me from professing my faith and joining the church.

When i got to be a teenager, i decided that i needed to let go of my fear of going underwater and become a member of the church.  Of course, going through puberty, i was dealing with a lot of confusing issues at the time and in the privacy of my own room, i turned to God for many conversations and prayers.  i knew i needed Him in my life and wanted to share that with the world.

i was on the cusp of joining the church when i let something get in my way.  Our minister at the time, who i really don't need to name, told me a bold faced lie.  It was the summer after my Freshman year of high school and our youth group went on a mission trip out in our county to work on some repairs of elderly people's homes.  i was having a rough time of it during the trip. We were staying in some college dorms and i had a room to myself.  Not by choice, but by the fact that no one wanted to share a room with me.  In hindsight that's ok, but when there were 3 and 4 guys in each of the other rooms, i did feel left out.

Since i was already feeling badly about myself, might as well throw myself into the work we were there to do.  One of the afternoons our minister came by to check on us.  i was at the back of the house, scraping some paint around the windows, when he came and started helping me, striking up a conversation.  He talked to me about joining the church and i told him that i had been thinking about it a lot.  Then he told me that both my Mom and my Grandmother had come to him in his office and expressed their concern that i had not yet joined the church.  On the outside, i was polite but on the inside, i was furious.  Why hadn't they talked to me about it?

Of course, after the weekend was over, i confronted both of them separately and they both assured me that those conversations never took place.  My mom was absolutely furious.  i don't know if she ever talked to the minister about his lie, but she told me my relationship with God was my business and to take it at my own pace.

Anyway, that one lie from the leader of our congregation kept me from joining the church i grew up in.  i just couldn't be a part of that facade.  The next year i learned that the church i'd grown up in and loved my entire life loved you back unless you were a sinner.  That was rough, so i never did profess my faith there.

Maybe one day i will find a church that i can do that in.

thought of the day

Not really sure what i'm thinking about today.  It seems like my mind is going in 100 different directions.  At least it's a beautiful day outside today, even though i'm inside at the moment.  On this Easter Sunday, i still have a lot of thinking to do.  i need to figure out the keys to a positive and productive existence for myself.  It's the only thing that's going to save me.  Wish me luck.

thought for the day

Yes, i realize that i'm the only one that can make my life change.  i do know that, so kudos to me LOL  i just can't have unrealistic expectations that my life will change overnight...unless i win the lottery which would be just fine by me.

So, i'm going to start making some changes at home.  And by that, i mean, the way our house looks.  i love our house and it'd be great if we could buy it one day as i do not plan on moving anytime soon.  However, the way we keep house is not satisfactory.  i'd like to totally blame Michael for it, but we both play equal parts in the blame.  

i came home today and even though the house isn't a total wreck, it's seen better days.  My problem is keeping up with it.  i'll do something once then not do it again for another month or so. i have to stop doing that and stay on top of things. i know, from experience, my life, my work, my sanity is all much better if i'm in a clean space, everything put in its place.  And i cannot do it all by myself, so i'm going to have to push Michael into some things, but that'll be good for him.

Having said that, i realize that i also have too much stuff and it is really weighing down on my spirit.  So, it's really time for me to start cleaning and cleaning out.  It will be good for me in the long run.  Say a prayer LOL

thought for the day

Social anxiety can be very tiring, just like any other kind of anxiety and/or depression.  The thing that gets me about it is that i don't always know when it's going to happen and to what extent it happens.  Sometimes, i can cope with it, other times i cannot.  Oh well.  Last weekend, we went out of town with some friends up to the mountains.  There were a few people there that i did not know and i was worried beforehand about having an attack.  Luckily, i did not have one and we all had a great time, other than getting stung by a wasp....good times lol  But last night, Michael and i had dinner with a friend and i started to get very withdrawn the longer that the dinner went on.  As the dinner conversation progressed, i started realizing that i did not have much to contribute to the topics at hand and really didn't have any interesting topics of my own to talk about, so i started to get very introverted in my head.  It took almost all of my energy to keep myself focused and engaged, even though i was not participating.  i really did have a nice time at dinner, but once it was over, i was exhausted.

i did get a little depressed last night about it, but nothing beyond my control.  Oh well, that's life.

thought for the day

i hate being depressed....not that anyone particularly enjoys it haha.  Today's better than yesterday at least.  Winter weather always throws me off and even tho this last storm was not nearly as bad as it could've been, it still stressed me out and took me down that road into feeling bad.  Ah, well.

i think i need to learn some techniques to cope with this.  Sometimes it only takes one small thing to get me depressed.  Sometimes it's big things.  i don't always know it's going to happen, but sometimes i can see the triggers and at least try to get myself out of the situation.  Easier said than done most times though.

i know that part of it is the patterns i get myself into.  i had plans for this week.  Things i wanted to do to fill my time and get out of the routine.  Through no one's fault but my own, i fall back into doing the same things every night and that weighs down on my spirit.  One of the bad parts about not really having any kind of social circle is that i get more and more isolated.  And then i revert to doing what's most comfortable and familiar at the expense of change and improvement.

Michael works tonight and i have no plans.  As per usual, i will probably end up sitting in front of the computer in an attempt to reach out to people i will never really meet.  Who knows, maybe i'll watch a movie instead.

We shall see

thought for the day

i realize that everyone has a different way to deal with the mysteries and tragedies of the world.  One of those ways being using humor to cope, which i believe can be very beneficial at times.  However, there can often be a fine line between humorous and tasteless.

The reason i bring this up is because i've gotten very tired of all of the "funny" pictures on Facebook over the last few days making jokes at the expense of the missing Malaysian airplane.  One or two was ok, albeit on the tacky side, but now it seems that i see several different ones almost hourly.  Enough is enough, people.  This flight may never be found.  And we don't know what kind of hell the passengers went through or are still going through.  And what if someone i knew, or you knew, was on that flight.  Would you enjoy being repeatedly disrespected in that way?  i know i wouldn't.

Of course, we don't know what kind of tasteless drawings and jokes went around the world at our expense when we faced tragedy in this country.  i'm sure they were out and about and i am, for one, thankful that i did not see them.

i'm not calling anyone specific out for posting or reposting any of these pictures.  It's your page, not mine and you are free to do with it whatever you want.  i just, personally, am starting to think it's a bit much, that's all.  The disappearence of this airplane is very scary and potentially even scarier if we ever discover what actually happened.  i only pray there will be some kind of happy ending and that we, as a world, can unite in good for a change.  That's all.

thought for the day

i realize that i know and want to be more open to new things, experience and people.  i've dug myself into a social hole for so long that if i'm not open to these kinds of things, i will never get out of that hole.  However, i also need to respect my own limits and understand that i'm not going to enjoy everything and everyone.  And everyone isn't going to enjoy me either, and that's ok!

Yesterday, we went and hung out with some friends.  A very nice mix of people we knew and people we didn't know.  All in all, a great bunch of guys.  After sitting around and talking for a good while, the host decided it was time to play some games.  Now, i enjoy most games.  i love board games, card games, crosswords, etc.  However, i do not like parlor games.  Anytime i have to get up and act things out or perform tasks, i do not enjoy anymore.  And that's odd, having been in theatre lol  But when i play these kinds of games, i put so much pressure on myself and i start to withdraw.  So, when i started getting that way yesterday, i simply excused myself and left the room for awhile, until they were finished.  i recognized that i was starting to get internal, so i took myself out of the situation and went to relax.  And it worked.  i still had a wonderful time with everyone.  Next time, though, i say we play Scrabble!

thought for the day

i fight with myself a lot over trying to to focus too much on what's lacking in life.  i think it is important to appreciate what you have and be grateful for it.  And i'm grateful for many things in my life.  i have a decent paying job that i enjoy for the most part, a partner who i love, a supportive family, a place to live, sweet dog, etc.  But i'm finding that the thing i'm missing most right now in my life is the daily presence of a best friend.

i don't really like the term "best friend" because i have a whole group of what can be called my best friends.  That one person who, for a period of time, i was connected with in real time on a daily basis.  In high school, my best friend was Tanya.  In college, Jennifer.  After college, Danielle.  Then Jason.  Then Charles.  i'm still friends with all of them and do consider them all to be my best friends.

What i'm lacking right now is the daily absence of someone objective in my life.  Someone to bounce ideas off of or tell my feelings to.  i realize now how important having someone like that is.  So, if you have it in your life right now, cherish it.  There are people that i'm in contact with every day, mostly via text or Facebook, but that's not nearly the same thing.  And while those mediums are great, it's just not quite the same thing.  Sometimes when things get to be too much, it would be nice to have someone to talk to and see and tell things to.  Maybe soon.

And don't get me wrong...i have wonderful friends all over the place...i just don't see them on a regular basis, which is partly my own fault.  It's one thing i need to make some changes to and soon if i'm going to survive life and not go crazy!

Today's recipe - Macaroni & Beet Salad

1 package (7 ounces) shell macaroni, cooked and drained
1 package (10 ounces) frozen peas, cooked and drained
1/4 cup diced celery
1/4 cup diced onion
2 cans (16 ounces each) diced beets, drained
1 cup mayonnaise
salt and pepper to taste

Combine all ingredients in a large bowl.  Cover and refrigerate for several hours or overnight.  16 servings.

i love macaroni salads, so when i found this recipe, i was excited to try it.  It's better after it's had time to sit overnight.  We thoroughly enjoyed it and i will definitely be making this again.  i think that the next time i might try and use Miracle Whip instead just to give it that extra zip.  Enjoy!

10 things you don't know about me...#6

Lemon Meringue is my favorite Strawberry Shortcake character

Another shocker i know, right!  LOL  yes, growing up i was a big girl in a lot of ways.  i never really knew that anything was different about that for many of my early years as a child.  i'm not really sure how my parents had the strength to deal with it, but somehow they managed to with dignity and i cannot thank them enough for that.

Anyway, Strawberry Shortcake started getting popular, toy wise, in the late 70s.  i can't remember when i got introduced to these toys, or by whom.  But i do remember getting my first miniature for Christmas when i was in kindergarten.  It was Apricot.  (Kudos if you remember which one that is lol)  But, of the original ones that came out, Lemon Meringue was always my favorite.  i'm not really sure why, but she was.  Maybe it's because she was the big girl out of all the others.  The same way that, for a long time, Blair was my favorite on Facts of Life lol  Or maybe i just had a thing for blondes at the time....who knows.

i always wanted a Lemon Meringue doll when i was a child, but never got one :(  So, last year for our anniversary, Michael was brave enough to get me one haha :)  It's in its original box and has her pet Frappe in there with here...i was very excited.  Too excited, but oh well.  That's love for you!!

Dear Mom,

I hope that this finds you doing well up in Heaven.  18 years is such a long time.  In some ways, it seems like only yesterday that you were here...the memories are still that fresh.  So much has happened to me since you've been gone that i want to update you on a few things.  And even though you already know all of this, since you are watching over me, i want to tell you anyway.

I'll start out with the biggest one.  I'm gay.  Shockers, I know, Mom.  I finally started coming out of the closet before you died actually.  My friend, Renee Church, was the first person to get the information out of me, Mom, and it was like the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders.  I realize that you had probably figured this out years before I did, but thank you so much for letting me take my own journey to self discovery.  After you died, I asked Janet if you had ever had any concerns that I might be gay.  She told me that you thought I might be, but you didn't want to pressure me.  You just wanted me to be happy and not to get hurt by society's prejudices.  Thank you for that, Mom.

On that note, Mom, i want you to know about the 3 relationships i've had since you've been gone.  All 3 very different men, but all 3 you would've loved!  John, my first bf, is just the sweetest man ever.  He has the most beautiful singing voice and he's got a wicked sense of humor.  Jason, my 2nd, you would've just loved.  He's an amazing cook and just a good spirit.  He was part of the family for the births of both of your granddaughters.  For whatever reason, these didn't work out and they've both ended up with the men they're suppose to be with.  And the nice thing is, Mom, we still stay in touch.  Jason is one of my best friends and he'd be one of yours too!

Which brings me to Michael, Mom.  Michael opened up a whole different world to me.  i can't really explain it, but we just connected....it's so real.  We have our ups and downs, just like you and Dad did, but we work through it (i learned by your example)  We're as different as night and day, but compliment each other so well.  This is the real deal and i wish you were here to enjoy it.  i have the most AMAZING set of in laws now.  And the Forneses have all met the Abernethys and it made me so happy!

Btw, sadly you won't be getting any grandchildren from me, but you've got a great granddog that you would just adore!  His name is Squirt.  We rescued him and just absolutely love him!

well, what next!  haha  i suppose you know that by know Dad has remarried.  She's a wonderful woman and i know if you were here you'd love other (except for the fact she's married to Dad haha)  But, really, we could not have asked for a better person to be in our lives.  They left Monroe several years ago and moved to Angier.  i have to admit that i haven't been back since they left and i should go.  From all i've heard, our neighborhood just isn't the same...but boy, it was amazing growing up!

Mom, there have been some difficult times as well.  i never finished college. i meant to, but haven't yet.  i got so lost after you died.  i stayed in a few years but just could not focus enough to justify wasting Dad's money.  i will get back one day, i promise.

i also have to admit, and this is hard, that i was not good to Grandmother or Janet when they got sick.  In both cases, i emotionally shut off from it.  i'm so sorry.  it's not the way i was raised and i knew better than that.  The fear of losing them took over and i just didn't deal with it.  i hope you can forgive me.  i hope they can forgive me.  i know in my heart that if i had done what i should've done when Grandmother got ill, she would have lived for a few more years.  i'm working hard on dealing with all of this, so please be patient with me and i will get there.

You have two beautiful and amazing granddaughters, Mom.  Margaret and Jane.  We don't get to see them as often as we'd like, but that's life.  They're both so smart and creative and artistic.  Margaret is the epitome of Heidi and Jane has Fornes written all over her!  I wish you could be here to watch them grow up.  Bill and Heidi are the best parents ever.  It's very obvious that they were raised by you and Dad and Jay and Ellen.  You'd be so proud of all of them.  Did you ever tell Bill that if you'd had a girl you wanted to name her Margaret?  i can't remember but thought it interesting when they named her Margaret.

Well, i will let you go for this year.  i know there is a lot more to say, but i will save some of it till next year.  i remember a dream i had over 10 years ago....i was hosting a party and you were there.  i remember there were a lot of people there that had come into my life.  You were standing and talking with Jennifer Avery, John Ramsey and Lee Strickland.  You were talking to them as if you'd known them forever. i pulled you aside and asked you "Mom, how do you know these people"  And you looked me square in the eye and said "Bob, how do you think you know all of these people"  And i knew right then that you brought them into my life from up above.  Thank you for that, Mom.  And for the ouija board...but i'll talk about that another time.

i love you, Mom and miss you.  Talk to you again soon!

recipe of the week - Mexican Chicken Corn Chowder

i made this for the first time last night.  Since it was snowing and i knew i was NOT going to leave the house, i figured it was a good time to try out a new recipe.  This is easy and definitely a keeper!!

1 & 1/2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1/2 cup chopped onion
1 to 2 garlic cloves, minced
3 Tbsp butter
1 cup chicken stock
1/2 to 1 tsp ground cumin
2 cups half&half cream
2 cups (8 oz) shredded Monterey Jack cheese
1 can (16 oz) cream style corn
1 can (4 oz) chopped green chilies, undrained
1/4 to 1 tsp hot sauce
1 medium tomato, chopped
Fresh cilantro or parsley to garnish, optional

Cut chicken into bite-size pieces.  In a Dutch oven, brown chicken, onion and garlic in butter until chicken is no longer pink. Add chicken broth and cumin to pan; bring to a boil.  Reduce heat; cover and simmer for 5 minutes.  Add cream, cheese, corn, chilies and hot pepper sauce.  Cook and stir over low heat until cheese is melted.  Stir in tomato.  Serve immediately; garnish with cilantro or parsley if desired.  Serves 6-8.

Enjoy!

the hardest days of my life - part two

I didn't sleep too much that night.  I mean, I know I slept, but it was restless and only a few hours.  I woke up somewhere around 8:30 am.  And the first thing that came to my mind was that I had to tell Be Boyd.  Be had been one of my acting professors for the last three years and we'd become close.  Her own mother had passed away just the year before, and Be and I bonded over our moms and had become pretty close friends.  And, because of that, I wanted to be the one to tell her.  I didn't want her to hear it from someone else.

I got dressed and wandered out of the dorm.  I stopped by the Elliot University Center because I knew I needed to get something to eat.  I wasn't particularly hungry, but I knew well enough that I had to have something on my stomach if I was going to have any energy at all.  I bought a Coke and a 100 Grand candy bar and sat down at a table and quietly ate it.  After I was done, I made my way towards the Curry building, where Be's office was.  The closer I got to the building, I could feel my body start to tremble.  Since there were classes going on in the acting studios, I had to walk around the side of the building by the professors' windows.  I knew Be would be there because she was doing an independent study with Kelly Keaton and Sarah McKinney.  As I was walking by the windows I just kept telling myself to hold it together for 30 more seconds.  Don't lose it outside.  Wait until I at least get into the building.  And i did...i held it together.

I could hear Be, Kelly and Sarah in her office when i knocked on the door.  Be opened it and i asked her if i could talk to her.  I realize i must have looked like hell because I was fully expecting Be to tell me that she needed to finish up with Sarah and Kelly and would I mind waiting.  But, she didn't.  She looked at me and knew something was wrong.  "Yes, of course" she told me and then asked the girls if they would wait out in the hall.  I went into Be's office and she closed the door behind us.  I managed to just say "My Mom died" before i began wailing.  Be held onto me and guided me to a chair and gave me some kleenex.  She stepped outside and told Kelly and Sarah what had happened and they came in to console me for a moment.  I think we were all crying.

I sat in Be's office for the rest of that hour and told her all I knew that Dad had told me on the phone the night before.  I don't really remember much about the conversation, just that Be was very comforting to me.  But, at the end of the hour, she did have an acting class to teach, which was fine because I really needed to get going anyway.  Not before she went to Lorraine's office next door and told her what had happened.  Lorraine, too, came in, with great comfort for me.

I left and headed over to Taylor Theater.  I'm not really sure why I went there...I think I just needed to be where I felt comfortable and loved...where everybody knows your name (cue Cheers theme lol)  I sat out in the courtyard, chain smoking and trying to keep myself together as best as possible and not really deal with the reality of the last 12 hours.  As I sat on a bench, Jim Wren and his TA's from Drama Appreciation walked through the courtyard....one of them being the fabulous Jill Womack.  Jill looked at me and I think she could tell something was wrong.

Jill sat down beside me and put her arm around me.  She asked me if everything was ok.  I could only shake my head "no".  "Is it your Mom?" she asked.  I shook my head "yes"  "What happened?"  All i could get out was "She died" before i started bawling right there.  Jill took hold of me and held me tight.  Jill probably sat there with me for almost an hour...telling anyone who came by and asked so that I wouldn't have to talk.  I remember that Katie came by and gave me some candy...it was Valentine's Day after all!

Jill had to leave to go to her acting class.  It was just as well, because I needed to get myself in gear to head home and I was totally procrastinating.  I stood up to leave after Jill went inside.  She hadn't been in there 2 minutes when Jennifer Avery came bolting out of the theater door and grabbed me...almost knocking me down.  I don't remember what we said, just that she also held me as I cried.

It felt good to be loved so much and I needed it then.

panic attack today

i had my first panic/anxiety attack today and i have to admit that i really did not enjoy it.  At least, i think that's what it was...i have nothing to compare it to really, but that's what i'm going to call it.  i was at work...go figure...and it was work that got me into that mode.  Again, go figure.  All of a sudden i got very agitated at work.  Stressed, anxious, angry, raging.  It all happened very quickly and took me by surprise.  i also got extremely short of breath.  i panicked big time.  i honestly feared i was having a  heart attack.  But, whatever it was, i did not like it and i do not want to experience that again. i'm sure that i will, but i do not want to.  i know what circumstances caused it at work, so maybe knowing that can help prevent this from happening then.  We shall see.

10 things you don't know about me...#5

the only time i fear dying in my sleep is when i take a nap

i know this is a strange one, but it's the truth.  i cannot really explain why i feel this way.  i haven't always been afraid of dying that way, but over the past few years, this feeling has crept into my psyche.  Part of it is, even tho i'm tired, when i go to take a nap, i'm very aware of my body slowing down...feeling my heart rate drop as my body relaxes...and it kind of freaks me out.  and i have known a few people socially that did actually die while taking a nap.  Usually had a heart attack.  And ever since my Dad's had heart problems and his doctor told me i needed to be careful, i've been very paranoid about it.

Still, this doesn't keep me from taking naps...i just don't always wake up as refreshed as i'd like to....oh well

non smoking day 23

today is my 23rd day without smoking and i have to admit that i'm pretty proud of myself so far.  it hasn't been as difficult as i thought it would be in a lot of ways.  Not smoking at work was probably my biggest concern, but so far, it has not been a problem.  Also, not smoking first thing in the morning has been very different for me, but still has not been unmanageable.

The things that are bothering me now are physical.  i'm not sure if it's all part of withdrawal, or just partly due to withdrawal.  i'm very sluggish lately and get tired very easily.  But, if i take a short nap, i feel fine and refreshed for awhile.  And, even tho my coughing has all but stopped, my breathing isn't great.  i feel a heavy weight on my chest.  i realize that my lungs have a lot of reconstructing to do, so that might be some of it.

And headaches.  i've been having very very bad headaches in the past few weeks.  Piercing headaches that feel like someone is taking an ice pick to my forhead.  They feel almost like brain freeze.  They don't last too too long, but long enough.  i've had these headaches before, about 5 years ago, but they only lasted a week and then stopped until recently.  i know that my brain is dealing with no nicotine, so that's a part of it.  But, if they persist, i will see a dr about them.

So, we shall see how it goes.  i admit that it is very nice to have more money.  i have been treating myself to a few things...trip to the antiques mall and to Replacements, Ltd.  Even the money i've spent at both of those places is far less than the total i normally would've spent on cigarettes.  Yippee!  i'll update on this situation again soon!

Cheers!

recipe of the week - Zucchini Santa Fe

i made this for myself a few weeks ago and really liked it!  Zucchini is one of those vegetables that i'm growing to really enjoy, but they've never been on the top of my list.  Recipes like this are helping to change that!  And this one is fairly healthy!  Enjoy!

3 cups sliced zucchini
1/2 cup chopped onion
1 tbs cooking oil
1 4oz can of chopped green chilies, drained
1 medium tomato, chopped
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
1/4 tsp garlic powder
1/2 cup shredded cheddar or Monterey Jack cheese

In a large skillet, saute the zucchini and onion in oil for 3-4 minutes or until crisp-tender.  Add chilies, tomato, salt, pepper and garlic powder.  Cook and stir for 3-4 minutes.  Spoon into a serving bowl and sprinkle with cheese.  Yields 6 servings.

When i prepared this, i used the Mexican blend shredded cheese, but any cheese you like will work fine!

recipe of the week - Sour Cream Banana Bread

i've never been a huge fan of bananas, but the older i get the more i enjoy them.  And the fact that they're good for you helps!  This recipe came from my Grandmother.  She made it a lot and did actually enjoy this banana recipe growing up.  i ran across it recently in an old email from my sister in law, Heidi, and decided to try it out.  It was pretty good and i'll definitely make it again!  Enjoy!

Sour Cream Banana Bread

1 2/3 cups plain flour
1 tsp soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup margarine
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1 1/4 cups mashed bananas
1/2 cup chopped nuts
1/2 cup sour cream

Cream margarine and sugar.  Add eggs, vanilla, bananas, nuts and sour cream.  Add flour, salt and soda.  Blend well.  Bake at 350 for 1 hour or until bread tests done.

i used two smallish loaf pans for this and since each oven is different, i only baked this for 45 min and it still got a nice crust on it!

2014 so far

well, so far 2014 is off to an interesting and different start than i had anticipated.  Not necessarily bad, just different.

For New Year's Eve, instead of having our normal gathering of friends at the house, we decided to just stay in and do nothing.  We hadn't had anyone over in months, really, so in my mind, any invites to people at NYE might have seemed very out of the blue.  And also, with the holidays being so condensed this year at work because Thanksgiving fell so late, i really didn't have the strength to try and pull something together.  We were going to go out on New Year's night, but that fell through as well.  And that's ok because we saved money by staying in again.

And then i decide to take a week off of work to just get myself together and recover from the holiday season.  i'd really wanted to get a good start on some projects here at the house.  And then i get sick.  So, none of those have gotten done.  i really hate that i've spent my time off being sick, but i suppose it could be worse.  At least i'm not sick at work.  That would really suck.

However, since i've wanted to stop smoking and promised Michael that i would, i did take this time of being sick as a great opportunity to start.  5 days so far without a cigarette.  Going through withdrawal can be really hard at times, but if that's what i have to go through to get it done then so be it!  If i can conquer this, i'm in pretty decent shape!

So, even though things have not started off as hoped and planned, i'm not too disappointed  haha  We'll see how it goes and how the rest of January progresses.  Woohoo!

Cheers!